Love Will Show You Everything ......

MAKING A STAND

2012-02-01T07:19:00.000Z

None of IR readers aren’t exposed with theories in understanding geopolitics surrounding the world. Often be da case, a reader (be students, lecturers, policy makers, journalist and bla bla bla) would be asked to state his preferential analysis in arguing incidents and world fault lines. Of course, I am not excluded. Considering dere r few SEA students in my cohort, (n I’m da only one representing The Land of Truly Asia – Bolehlah), many wud turn to me in asking my view, touching on da specific issues.

I admit I’m not an expert in World Politics theories, amidst being a constant reader in following the scholars’ arguments. Not even close. But I av an aspiration in pursuing such discipline in academia, in wanting 2 make a change 4 a better world 4 every1 2 live on. That is not 2 say I hate being a Niccolo Machiavelli follower given da fact dat, realism is best 2 understand international issues, neither totally classify myself as a Kantian (Kant, 1983) who insists dat “perpetual peace” can b achieved through da building of common norms n laws and Commonwealth of Nations. I’m juz being, according 2 Greek Philosopher Lertius Diogenes, “a citizen of da world.”

Although @ dis point of juncture, I.JUST.DONT.KNOW.HOW

However, believing dat da world cud b changed if Homosapiens want it to, I found myself in line wif other constructivist.

Hence I always try 2 put sum elements of hope @ any argument I made – which the people could change if they want to. As expected, I received disquiets n disagreements, including from my professors. Thinking thoroughly, I can unders10 da factors of such repercussions. My class is dominated by our Western classmates n da other half is of course, the locals. All my professors are American educated Korean – who conventionally hold da idea of Western value of Democracy n Realism. The Koreans, from my humble observation cudn’t deviate away from da West as they began to associate themselves wif da West following da Korean War 1950-1953. They see da North as primarily #1 enemy rather than their own brothers and sisters, who were born on da same land, speaking da same language but only share different thoughts –slash- ideologies. I cud unders10 da logic why. Truly I do.

But as we were da 1 decided 2 go 2 war, reversibly, we cud also decide 2 make peace – Central value propagated by the Constructivist which “concerns with human consciousness, treat ideas as structural factors, considers da dynamic relationship between ideas n material forces as a consequence of how actors interpret their material reality.” (Michael Barnett, 2008)

For 40 years, we believed Cold War would serve as a deadlock relations between the West and the Soviet Unions. Da world even nearly turned into a destruction following the imminent alarm of 1962 Cuban Missile Crisis. Who wud av thought, during those time, Cold War could come 2 and end and Germany 2 b reunited as 1. Could there be truce between the Liberal Democracy and Communist?, they thought. But in da end, those were just not merely myth. It turns out 2 b real.

Dats y, despite da fact we’ve been told, human are irrational, hubris, and violent towards their other kinds, deep inside our hearts, excluding extreme religion beliefs, right wing political stands and racial supremacy, we always longing 4 peace. We desired 4 peace, although most of da time, we’ve been tempted 2 conquer, 2 defeat, n 2 b superior than others.

But as my aspiration remains as personal ideas n reflections, I am always been sidelined. It is always b a downturn after presenting ur views, ur professor disapproves it wif more solid facts n arguments. Of course, da value of a professor’s opinion is absolutely incomparable 2 mine – a doctoral student cum party animal especially in the weekend. Haha. @ a point, I feel disappointed from not being heard, wat more I av an important agenda 4 da world 2 consider.

Going through series of bombarding n tough discussion, I found myself immuned 2 it. My academic thinking is starting adjustable 2 it, without compromising a bit of value I am propagating. I am much stronger class by class, day by day, throwing away as far as possible my inferiority thinking when making da case.

Surprising it is to me, I found that it is much easier 2 wear a realist lense in understanding da conflict (in which a doctoral student is expected to master at). It is only 4 studying purposes n making me following their views (saving time 4 arguments too, ha ha) But conflicts r just facts. It is dere n 4ever, be registered as da same fact unless if we want 2 make a change. N I solely believe, 2 make a change, one need 2 embrace into da causes n development, integrating opportunities within complexities as a stepping stone. This is a process I believe in which I am involving now.

In da end I feel much contended. I juz talked 2 myself perhaps, God thinks Im not ready 2 change da world, yet He spares more time 4 me 2 learn n be matured as a person. Also, why is dere such a rush 2 make a change, since ideas will always remain in one’s soul. It wont die with da body of a believer. But a believer must instill a strong conceptual framework 2 himself n others 2 follow. So, I am juz gonna take dis slowly. Slow n steady baby.

May da idea of peace will never die in our hearts till God decides 2 take dis world over. Amen.

Before penning off, a French explorer n countrymen, Andre Malraux once said, “les ideas ne doivent pas entre pensees, mais vecues.” a.k.a. ideas shud not be thought but lived.

In da name of Peace,

In Memoriam of Steve Jobs (1955-2011)

2011-10-07T07:33:00.012+01:00

Doesn'T Matter Where But How You Did it..

2011-09-18T13:55:00.003+01:00

Annyong People.

At times, wonderful moments appear unexpectedly. U never anticipate when it comes, how it turns out 2 b, but da moment it arrives, u juz gonna enjoy it while it lasts. N when its gone, u’ll miss it wondering when will it come again.

My 1^st time celebrating Chuseok (추석) Korean Thanksgiving turns out 2 b a blast. @ 1^st, I kinda sad 4 not able 2 follow my unimates going to 낙산 over da weekend as it was our 1^st few outings 2gether, n I juz didn’t want 2 miss da fun. Of course I had a gud justifiable reason – my couzzie Faezah was here. She came all da way from Malaysia n of course I’ve 2 b wif her while she was ere. In fact, if I had 2 choose, I wud spent time with her considering it has been a while since we haven’t seen each other.

So we met, made plans, visiting places, eating dishes n most importantly spending time 2gether (wif another of her colleague)

N those days turned 2 b da most wonderful days thus far I had in Seoul. Simple planning tends 2 b an eventful in da end. (not dat really simple in a way cuz we even made trip to Nami Island for a full day trip) Even up to our departure, dere was still unexpected incident turned out (OK dis wasn’t a gud one but we both found it utterly hilarious and silly)

It makes me wonder btw, dat it doesn’t matter where u go, how u spent it is da most of all. N with whom u spent it. N I’m 4eva be indebted n b grateful 2 Him, my days in Seoul r always full of surprises n unexpected things. Gone r da days I’m watching Korean dramas n longing hardly 2 b ere bcuz now, I’m already in da Drama. Acting 4 myself, no script n direction but sailing through 2 wat God is given (watever He provides)

Simplicity Is The Ultimate Form of Sophistication

Leonardo Da Vinci

R.E.S.U.R.R.E.C.T.E.D

2011-09-08T14:18:00.003+01:00

안녕하세요?

Dis time its really been a while. A while of 365 +++ days of hibernation, stagnation and pausing in life. God knows wat takes it so long but I just didn’t av da feel of penning down. Wasn’t dat nothing much to update, but life back home is juz a mundane routine – loneliness despite being surrounded by family, relatives and frens.

I dunno why my soul is alive when I’m alone abroad. I feel living n breathing far away from homeland, standing on my own feet n facing watever cums through by myself. 4 dat reason, I feel very much alive. And here I am, in a land far distant from home, across da oceans n mountains, charting my path in life, embarking a niu chapter, @ da same time keep on looking 4 happiness and joy in life.

Wait…

Happiness isn’t 2 b searched but it is already dere 2 b felt. Wat I got 2 do is 2 look @ it on a different perspective. Rather than searching wat u dun av, cherish wat u already av. And be grateful, as always. Life will b easy on u and u’ll be contented.

So citizens of d world, I hereby pronounce I’m back 2 Asignofthecreator n will continue reaching 2 u from time 2 time. I shall not look further into da ‘silent’ past, but will b looking 4ward 2 an exciting, challenging journey ahead. Of course, I know nothing wat will cum up eventually and I’m just gonna sail it through.

In completion of my Doctoral Studies, I am more enthusiastic of going through da process rather than waiting worryingly on da outcome. While da outcome is undoubtedly significant still, why worry about 2moro, since u av 2day 2 live on?

So I’m presenting you wat I intend 2 add-on 2 my to-do list besides da normal routine:

One) Read 2 pages da Holy Qoran daily (Godwilling)

Two) Learn to sing Korean songs – targeting 1 song every fortnight. Objective: so dat I can show off me Korean skills when karaokeing back home.

Three) Know 3 Hangul words a day

Four) Find 5 unheard / unknown English vocabularies. Errrrr like bifurcate, ameliorate, leitmotif…? Motif sgt kenn.

Five) Attend extra Korean class on Saturday. Got 2 fork out some money, but its an investment.

Six) Go hiking, possibly once a month.

Probably dats it 4 now. No need 2 b ambitious, Zokhri. U’ve learnt ur lesson well enuff!

“Enjoy the blessings of the day … and the evils bear patiently: for this day only is ours: we are dead to yesterday and not born to tomorrow.”

Jeremy Taylor (1613-1667)

From the Land of Kimchi and Kpop,

I.AM.ALIVE

In Memoriam of Michael Joseph Jackson (August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009)

2010-06-25T16:00:00.003+01:00

Nine years ago, Michael Jackson was invited to Oxford University in England—one of the best and most prestigious universities in the world, to lecture and promote his children's universal bill of rights.

The right to be loved without having to earn it—this is just one of the many mind-blowing ideas that he compassionately weaved into his framework of beautiful speech below.

I’d like to think that if a speech were a book, then this speech of Michael Jackson would be a Pulitzer Prize winner. Notice not just how exquisite the language is, but also how empowering and profoundly moving the themes are. It will be studied for decades to come as just how life-changing the written and spoken words can be:

“Thank you, thank you dear friends, from the bottom of my heart, for such a loving and spirited welcome, and thank you, Mr President, for your kind invitation to me which I am so honoured to accept. I also want to express a special thanks to you Shmuley, who for 11 years served as Rabbi here at Oxford. You and I have been working so hard to form Heal the Kids, as well as writing our book about childlike qualities, and in all of our efforts you have been such a supportive and loving friend. And I would also like to thank Toba Friedman, our director of operations at Heal the Kids, who is returning tonight to the alma mater where she served as a Marshall scholar, as well as Marilyn Piels, another central member of our Heal the Kids team.

I am humbled to be lecturing in a place that has previously been filled by such notable figures as Mother Theresa, Albert Einstein, Ronald Reagan, Robert Kennedy and Malcolm X. I've even heard that Kermit the Frog has made an appearance here, and I've always felt a kinship with Kermit's message that it's not easy being green. I'm sure he didn't find it any easier being up here than I do!

As I looked around Oxford today, I couldn't help but be aware of the majesty and grandeur of this great institution, not to mention the brilliance of the great and gifted minds that have roamed these streets for centuries. The walls of Oxford have not only housed the greatest philosophical and scientific geniuses - they have also ushered forth some of the most cherished creators of children's literature, from J.R.R. Tolkien to CS Lewis. Today I was allowed to hobble into the dining hall in Christ Church to see Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland immortalised in the stained glass windows. And even one of my own fellow Americans, the beloved Dr Seuss graced these halls and then went on to leave his mark on the imaginations of millions of children throughout the world.

I suppose I should start by listing my qualifications to speak before you this evening. Friends, I do not claim to have the academic expertise of other speakers who have addressed this hall, just as they could lay little claim at being adept at the moonwalk - and you know, Einstein in particular was really terrible at that.

But I do have a claim to having experienced more places and cultures than most people will ever see. Human knowledge consists not only of libraries of parchment and ink - it is also comprised of the volumes of knowledge that are written on the human heart, chiseled on the human soul, and engraved on the human psyche. And friends, I have encountered so much in this relatively short life of mine that I still cannot believe I am only 42. I often tell Shmuley that in soul years I'm sure that I'm at least 80 - and tonight I even walk like I'm 80! So please harken to my message, because what I have to tell you tonight can bring healing to humanity and healing to our planet.

Through the grace of God, I have been fortunate to have achieved many of my artistic and professional aspirations realised early in my lifetime. But these, friends are accomplishments, and accomplishments alone are not synonymous with who I am. Indeed, the cheery five-year-old who belted out Rockin' Robin and Ben to adoring crowds was not indicative of the boy behind the smile.

Tonight, I come before you less as an icon of pop (whatever that means anyway), and more as an icon of a generation, a generation that no longer knows what it means to be children.

All of us are products of our childhood. But I am the product of a lack of a childhood, an absence of that precious and wondrous age when we frolic playfully without a care in the world, basking in the adoration of parents and relatives, where our biggest concern is studying for that big spelling test come Monday morning.

Those of you who are familiar with the Jackson Five know that I began performing at the tender age of five and that ever since then, I haven't stopped dancing or singing. But while performing and making music undoubtedly remain as some of my greatest joys, when I was young I wanted more than anything else to be a typical little boy. I wanted to build tree houses, have water balloon fights, and play hide and seek with my friends. But fate had it otherwise and all I could do was envy the laughter and playtime that seemed to be going on all around me.

There was no respite from my professional life. But on Sundays I would go Pioneering, the term used for the missionary work that Jehovah's Witnesses do. And it was then that I was able to see the magic of other people's childhood.

Since I was already a celebrity, I would have to don a disguise of fat suit, wig, beard and glasses and we would spend the day in the suburbs of Southern California, going door-to-door or making the rounds of shopping malls, distributing our Watchtower magazine. I loved to set foot in all those regular suburban houses and catch sight of the shag rugs and La-Z-Boy armchairs with kids playing Monopoly and grandmas baby-sitting and all those wonderful, ordinary and starry scenes of everyday life. Many, I know, would argue that these things seem like no big deal. But to me they were mesmerizing.

I used to think that I was unique in feeling that I was without a childhood. I believed that indeed there were only a handful with whom I could share those feelings. When I recently met with Shirley Temple Black, the great child star of the 1930s and 40s, we said nothing to each other at first, we simply cried together, for she could share a pain with me that only others like my close friends Elizabeth Taylor and McCauley Culkin know.

I do not tell you this to gain your sympathy but to impress upon you my first important point: It is not just Hollywood child stars that have suffered from a non-existent childhood. Today, it's a universal calamity, a global catastrophe. Childhood has become the great casualty of modern-day living. All around us we are producing scores of kids who have not had the joy, who have not been accorded the right, who have not been allowed the freedom, or knowing what it's like to be a kid.

Today children are constantly encouraged to grow up faster, as if this period known as childhood is a burdensome stage, to be endured and ushered through, as swiftly as possible. And on that subject, I am certainly one of the world's greatest experts.

Ours is a generation that has witnessed the abrogation of the parent-child covenant. Psychologists are publishing libraries of books detailing the destructive effects of denying one's children the unconditional love that is so necessary to the healthy development of their minds and character. And because of all the neglect, too many of our kids have, essentially, to raise themselves. They are growing more distant from their parents, grandparents and other family members, as all around us the indestructible bond that once glued together the generations, unravels.

This violation has bred a new generation, Generation O let us call it, that has now picked up the torch from Generation X. The O stands for a generation that has everything on the outside - wealth, success, fancy clothing and fancy cars, but an aching emptiness on the inside. That cavity in our chests, that barrenness at our core, that void in our centre is the place where the heart once beat and which love once occupied.

And it's not just the kids who are suffering. It's the parents as well. For the more we cultivate little-adults in kids'-bodies, the more removed we ourselves become from our own child-like qualities, and there is so much about being a child that is worth retaining in adult life.

Love, ladies and gentlemen, is the human family's most precious legacy, its richest bequest, its golden inheritance. And it is a treasure that is handed down from one generation to another. Previous ages may not have had the wealth we enjoy. Their houses may have lacked electricity, and they squeezed their many kids into small homes without central heating. But those homes had no darkness, nor were they cold. They were lit bright with the glow of love and they were warmed snugly by the very heat of the human heart. Parents, undistracted by the lust for luxury and status, accorded their children primacy in their lives.

As you all know, our two countries broke from each other over what Thomas Jefferson referred to as "certain inalienable rights". And while we Americans and British might dispute the justice of his claims, what has never been in dispute is that children have certain inalienable rights, and the gradual erosion of those rights has led to scores of children worldwide being denied the joys and security of childhood.

I would therefore like to propose tonight that we install in every home a Children's Universal Bill of Rights, the tenets of which are:
1. The right to be loved without having to earn it
2. The right to be protected, without having to deserve it
3. The right to feel valuable, even if you came into the world with nothing
4. The right to be listened to without having to be interesting
5. The right to be read a bedtime story, without having to compete with the evening news
6. The right to an education without having to dodge bullets at schools
7. The right to be thought of as adorable - (even if you have a face that only a mother could love).

Friends, the foundation of all human knowledge, the beginning of human consciousness, must be that each and every one of us is an object of love. Before you know if you have red hair or brown, before you know if you are black or white, before you know of what religion you are a part, you have to know that you are loved.

About twelve years ago, when I was just about to start my Bad tour, a little boy came with his parents to visit me at home in California. He was dying of cancer and he told me how much he loved my music and me. His parents told me that he wasn't going to live, that any day he could just go, and I said to him: "Look, I am going to be coming to your town in Kansas to open my tour in three months. I want you to come to the show. I am going to give you this jacket that I wore in one of my videos." His eyes lit up and he said: "You are gonna GIVE it to me?" I said "Yeah, but you have to promise that you will wear it to the show." I was trying to make him hold on. I said: "When you come to the show I want to see you in this jacket and in this glove" and I gave him one of my rhinestone gloves - and I never usually give the rhinestone gloves away. And he was just in heaven.

But maybe he was too close to heaven, because when I came to his town, he had already died, and they had buried him in the glove and jacket. He was just 10 years old. God knows, I know, that he tried his best to hold on. But at least when he died, he knew that he was loved, not only by his parents, but even by me, a near stranger, I also loved him. And with all of that love he knew that he didn't come into this world alone, and he certainly didn't leave it alone.

If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can he dealt with. A professor may degrade you, but you will not feel degraded, a boss may crush you, but you will not be crushed, a corporate gladiator might vanquish you, but you will still triumph. How could any of them truly prevail in pulling you down? For you know that you are an object worthy of love. The rest is just packaging.

But if you don't have that memory of being loved, you are condemned to search the world for something to fill you up. But no matter how much money you make or how famous you become, you will still fell empty. What you are really searching for is unconditional love, unqualified acceptance. And that was the one thing that was denied to you at birth.

Friends, let me paint a picture for you. Here is a typical day in America - six youths under the age of 20 will commit suicide, 12 children under the age of 20 will die from firearms - remember this is a DAY, not a year - 399 kids will be arrested for drug abuse, 1,352 babies will be born to teen mothers. This is happening in one of the richest, most developed countries in the history of the world.

Yes, in my country there is an epidemic of violence that parallels no other industrialised nation. These are the ways young people in America express their hurt and their anger. But don't think that there is not the same pain and anguish among their counterparts in the United Kingdom. Studies in this country show that every single hour, three teenagers in the UK inflict harm upon themselves, often by cutting or burning their bodies or taking an overdose. This is how they have chosen to cope with the pain of neglect and emotional agony.

In Britain, as many as 20% of families will only sit down and have dinner together once a year. Once a year! And what about the time-honoured tradition of reading your kid a bedtime story? Research from the 1980s showed that children who are read to, had far greater literacy and significantly outperformed their peers at school. And yet, less than 33% of British children ages two to eight have a regular bedtime story read to them. You may not think much of that until you take into account that 75% of their parents DID have that bedtime story when they were that age.

Clearly, we do not have to ask ourselves where all of this pain, anger and violent behaviour comes from. It is self-evident that children are thundering against the neglect, quaking against the indifference and crying out just to be noticed. The various child protection agencies in the US say that millions of children are victims of maltreatment in the form of neglect, in the average year. Yes, neglect. In rich homes, privileged homes, wired to the hilt with every electronic gadget. Homes where parents come home, but they're not really home, because their heads are still at the office. And their kids? Well, their kids just make do with whatever emotional crumbs they get. And you don't get much from endless TV, computer games and videos.

These hard, cold numbers which for me, wrench the soul and shake the spirit, should indicate to you why I have devoted so much of my time and resources into making our new Heal the Kids initiative a colossal success.

Our goal is simple - to recreate the parent/child bond, renew its promise and light the way forward for all the beautiful children who are destined one day to walk this earth.
But since this is my first public lecture, and you have so warmly welcomed me into your hearts, I feel that I want to tell you more. We each have our own story, and in that sense statistics can become personal.

They say that parenting is like dancing. You take one step, your child takes another. I have discovered that getting parents to re-dedicate themselves to their children is only half the story. The other half is preparing the children to re-accept their parents.

When I was very young I remember that we had this crazy mutt of a dog named "Black Girl," a mix of wolf and retriever. Not only wasn't she much of a guard dog, she was such a scared and nervous thing that it is a wonder she did not pass out every time a truck rumbled by, or a thunderstorm swept through Indiana. My sister Janet and I gave that dog so much love, but we never really won back the sense of trust that had been stolen from her by her previous owner. We knew he used to beat her. We didn't know with what. But whatever it was, it was enough to suck the spirit right out of that dog.

A lot of kids today are hurt puppies who have weaned themselves off the need for love. They couldn't care less about their parents. Left to their own devices, they cherish their independence. They have moved on and have left their parents behind.

Then there are the far worse cases of children who harbour animosity and resentment toward their parents, so that any overture that their parents might undertake would be thrown forcefully back in their face.

Tonight, I don't want any of us to make this mistake. That's why I'm calling upon all the world's children - beginning with all of us here tonight - to forgive our parents, if we felt neglected. Forgive them and teach them how to love again.

You probably weren't surprised to hear that I did not have an idyllic childhood. The strain and tension that exists in my relationship with my own father is well documented. My father is a tough man and he pushed my brothers and me hard, from the earliest age, to be the best performers we could be.

He had great difficulty showing affection. He never really told me he loved me. And he never really complimented me either. If I did a great show, he would tell me it was a good show. And if I did an OK show, he told me it was a lousy show.

He seemed intent, above all else, on making us a commercial success. And at that he was more than adept. My father was a managerial genius and my brothers and I owe our professional success, in no small measure, to the forceful way that he pushed us. He trained me as a showman and under his guidance I couldn't miss a step.

But what I really wanted was a Dad. I wanted a father who showed me love. And my father never did that. He never said I love you while looking me straight in the eye, he never played a game with me. He never gave me a piggyback ride, he never threw a pillow at me, or a water balloon.

But I remember once when I was about four years old, there was a little carnival and he picked me up and put me on a pony. It was a tiny gesture, probably something he forgot five minutes later. But because of that moment I have this special place in my heart for him. Because that's how kids are, the little things mean so much to them and for me, that one moment meant everything. I only experienced it that one time, but it made me feel really good, about him and the world.

But now I am a father myself, and one day I was thinking about my own children, Prince and Paris and how I wanted them to think of me when they grow up. To be sure, I would like them to remember how I always wanted them with me wherever I went, how I always tried to put them before everything else. But there are also challenges in their lives. Because my kids are stalked by paparazzi, they can't always go to a park or a movie with me.

So what if they grow older and resent me, and how my choices impacted their youth? Why weren't we given an average childhood like all the other kids, they might ask? And at that moment I pray that my children will give me the benefit of the doubt. That they will say to themselves: "Our daddy did the best he could, given the unique circumstances that he faced. He may not have been perfect, but he was a warm and decent man, who tried to give us all the love in the world."

I hope that they will always focus on the positive things, on the sacrifices I willingly made for them, and not criticise the things they had to give up, or the errors I've made, and will certainly continue to make, in raising them. For we have all been someone's child, and we know that despite the very best of plans and efforts, mistakes will always occur. That's just being human.

And when I think about this, of how I hope that my children will not judge me unkindly, and will forgive my shortcomings, I am forced to think of my own father and despite my earlier denials, I am forced to admit that me must have loved me. He did love me, and I know that.

There were little things that showed it. When I was a kid I had a real sweet tooth - we all did. My favourite food was glazed doughnuts and my father knew that. So every few weeks I would come downstairs in the morning and there on the kitchen counter was a bag of glazed doughnuts - no note, no explanation - just the doughnuts. It was like Santa Claus.

Sometimes I would think about staying up late at night, so I could see him leave them there, but just like with Santa Claus, I didn't want to ruin the magic for fear that he would never do it again. My father had to leave them secretly at night, so as no one might catch him with his guard down. He was scared of human emotion, he didn't understand it or know how to deal with it. But he did know doughnuts.

And when I allow the floodgates to open up, there are other memories that come rushing back, memories of other tiny gestures, however imperfect, that showed that he did what he could. So tonight, rather than focusing on what my father didn't do, I want to focus on all the things he did do and on his own personal challenges. I want to stop judging him.

I have started reflecting on the fact that my father grew up in the South, in a very poor family. He came of age during the Depression and his own father, who struggled to feed his children, showed little affection towards his family and raised my father and his siblings with an iron fist. Who could have imagined what it was like to grow up a poor black man in the South, robbed of dignity, bereft of hope, struggling to become a man in a world that saw my father as subordinate. I was the first black artist to be played on MTV and I remember how big a deal it was even then. And that was in the 80s!

My father moved to Indiana and had a large family of his own, working long hours in the steel mills, work that kills the lungs and humbles the spirit, all to support his family. Is it any wonder that he found it difficult to expose his feelings? Is it any mystery that he hardened his heart, that he raised the emotional ramparts? And most of all, is it any wonder why he pushed his sons so hard to succeed as performers, so that they could be saved from what he knew to be a life of indignity and poverty?

I have begun to see that even my father's harshness was a kind of love, an imperfect love, to be sure, but love nonetheless. He pushed me because he loved me. Because he wanted no man ever to look down at his offspring.

And now with time, rather than bitterness, I feel blessing. In the place of anger, I have found absolution. And in the place of revenge I have found reconciliation. And my initial fury has slowly given way to forgiveness.

Almost a decade ago, I founded a charity called Heal the World. The title was something I felt inside me. Little did I know, as Shmuley later pointed out, that those two words form the cornerstone of Old Testament prophecy. Do I really believe that we can heal this world, that is riddled with war and genocide, even today? And do I really think that we can heal our children, the same children who can enter their schools with guns and hatred and shoot down their classmates, like they did at Columbine? Or children who can beat a defenceless toddler to death, like the tragic story of Jamie Bulger? Of course I do, or I wouldn't be here tonight.

But it all begins with forgiveness, because to heal the world, we first have to heal ourselves. And to heal the kids, we first have to heal the child within, each and every one of us. As an adult, and as a parent, I realise that I cannot be a whole human being, nor a parent capable of unconditional love, until I put to rest the ghosts of my own childhood.

And that's what I'm asking all of us to do tonight. Live up to the fifth of the Ten Commandments. Honour your parents by not judging them. Give them the benefit of the doubt.

That is why I want to forgive my father and to stop judging him. I want to forgive my father, because I want a father, and this is the only one that I've got. I want the weight of my past lifted from my shoulders and I want to be free to step into a new relationship with my father, for the rest of my life, unhindered by the goblins of the past.

In a world filled with hate, we must still dare to hope. In a world filled with anger, we must still dare to comfort. In a world filled with despair, we must still dare to dream. And in a world filled with distrust, we must still dare to believe.

To all of you tonight who feel let down by your parents, I ask you to let down your disappointment. To all of you tonight who feel cheated by your fathers or mothers, I ask you not to cheat yourself further. And to all of you who wish to push your parents away, I ask you to extend you hand to them instead. I am asking you, I am asking myself, to give our parents the gift of unconditional love, so that they too may learn how to love from us, their children. So that love will finally be restored to a desolate and lonely world.

Shmuley once mentioned to me an ancient Biblical prophecy which says that a new world and a new time would come, when "the hearts of the parents would be restored through the hearts of their children". My friends, we are that world, we are those children.

Mahatma Gandhi said: "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." Tonight, be strong. Beyond being strong, rise to the greatest challenge of all - to restore that broken covenant. We must all overcome whatever crippling effects our childhoods may have had on our lives and in the words of Jesse Jackson, forgive each other, redeem each other and move on.

This call for forgiveness may not result in Oprah moments the world over, with thousands of children making up with their parents, but it will at least be a start, and we'll all be so much happier as a result.

And so ladies and gentlemen, I conclude my remarks tonight with faith, joy and excitement.
From this day forward, may a new song be heard.
Let that new song be the sound of children laughing.
Let that new song be the sound of children playing.
Let that new song be the sound of children singing.
And let that new song be the sound of parents listening.

Together, let us create a symphony of hearts, marvelling at the miracle of our children and basking in the beauty of love.

Let us heal the world and blight its pain.

And may we all make beautiful music together.

God bless you, and I love you.”

Courtersy of Vicky V-Ronnica, 2010.

The Moment that "US" no longer exist

2010-06-18T16:12:00.001+01:00

Before, we never see ourselves as two, but one single entity

I thought of you knowing I am in your mind too

We hate the space between us, because we still miss each other although sitting side by side

Being with you, hunger and thirst are delusional, couldn't even bother if the world is coming to an end

Because ...

I only see me in you and feel you in me.

But today, as the world evolves around

Things never stay the same

The way you look into my eyes

I see, those eyes aren't the one

Turning me into a stranger

Telling me in your arms, I can no longer stay

Not long I realise

There is no more us in you and our love in me.

Lesson for today

2010-06-15T05:27:00.000+01:00

Just Dance

2010-06-15T05:22:00.002+01:00

Mode: Just Dance by Lady Gaga.

Even up to now, I'm still figuring da direction I shud partake in life once my Korean vacation-cum-한국 learning coming to an end. I've done everything dat I can 2 seek da direction but all means end up unconvincingly. Few things I realised - 1st, its not me 2 figure how my future lies n how its gonna happen cuz its not my duty, not even within my power 2 do so. 2nd, as history tells me, I'm sick of planning n figuring wats gonna happen next cuz I'm da 1 who will be frustrated if its not materialised n bcuz I've put too much hope n did everything @ my utmost best, I'll end up broken into pieces n pointing da blame @ everything, every1, including myself.

For sure, I know dats not healthy.

So instead, I want to stop worrying about my future. I wont expect too much but wud rather lead life as it is meant 2 b 4 me. Nothing more and nothing less. I will just make da best out of everything dat is laid down in front of me. Talking about expectation, I truly learnt a lot. Looking @ my current situation, b4 stepping my foot onto the Land of Sonata, Korea has always be in my mind as a place I really wanna be @. Beautiful places (n ppl too!), a balanced between modernity and ancient, my 2nd romantic place after Paris, love, romance - everything I imagined are 2 b here. Although part of the miscalculate imagination go to Korean dramas which exaggerating on da notion of love n relationship, it is still my fault 4 failing 2 differentiate btw wat exist in da dramas (a form of fantasy) n in da real world (reality). N it wasnt too long 4 me 2 find da line btw da 2 as my 1st day in Korea turned out 2 b a disaster (I've told you in my last entry). It didnt turned out as wat I wanted it 2 b (based on da drama).

Hence, I dun want 2 make myself a fool again by expecting much in d future. I dun want 2 b heartbroken again (although kinda like immunised to it after going through many times). I will keep da '10 list I wanna do/have/go b4 I die', but I wont push myself too hard towards achieving da list. I will juz do stuffs dat redeemed neccessary n reasonable n pray da best out of it. Ppl say, rather than counting wat u dun av, look @ wat u already av. Despite of my not-so-many-properties (comparing 2 others of d same age as mine), I still av passion, determination, n self-esteem 2 proceed life. No matter wat brings me to, I'll fly and dance with grace and wif full conscience dat God allows me 2 live 4 another day. So Live !!!

I'll go wherever da wind takes me, watever destiny lies in front of me. I will try 2 accept, 2 embrace n 2 make da best out of it. I wont be afraid if its a wrong direction in d end, cuz I always av something dat God spares for me still. N dat is TIME! Time is all I av to heal da wound (altho da scar wud still remain) n 2 make things rite. Paolo Coelho wasnt leading a gud life when he was young. Some say Shakespeare was illiterate and poor while he was @ his teenage years. N I dun av 2 remind da history of Bill Gates ere, do I?

Wat I'm trying 2 say ere is not dat - u av 2 b a bad person or leading a dark history in order 2 b a great idol. Dat is juz a stupid thing 2 believe wif. But da point is, a bad beginning doesnt render dat its 4ever gonna be da same. Existing failures doesnt hold u 4ever 2 b a failed person. @ times, it doesnt really matter how u start, but u end it. Becuz we av more power n courage 2 make a gud ending despite having a bad start. N miracles happen in so many unexpected ways. N u dun know when da magic stick will point @ u n turn ur life into brightness. Well, Cinderella (during her misery life wif her step family) didnt know dat she will meet a fairy dat will turn her into a princess, so to speak.

So ere I am, preparing myself 4 nothing known. Expecting no more n no less than wat it shud be, and count God's blessings dat He has bestowed upon me up 2 dis point. N immediately I feel da burden lightens, worriness disappears, da cloudy/smoky skies swept away by da shining sun. Its lightstrays penetrate sharply n hit da ground, clearing da atmosphere from darkness. N not long, I started 2 smile again. A sign for encouragement. A sing for new hope. A sign for a new -slash- tough beginning.

PS Any idea where's Zokhri Idris' next destination? I wonder how's life being a New Yorker *wink*

May it wud be another brite day 2moro,
ZI

Wind, My Saviour

2010-06-08T15:12:00.003+01:00

In the days of uncertainties, in between brightness and darkness, I wish for the wind. For not knowing the destiny and fate, I just want the wind. For tired been running, I call for the wind. To make me fly. Just spreading my wings and fly. Wherever it takes, whatever it makes. The world is round, the ground is flat. Life could just re-start. So take me o wind. Wherever you blow, I will simply go. I will think of nothing but only to fly. So the heart, for a while, will no longer cry...

Zokhri Idris
2315 - 8th June 2010

God Is Fair

2010-06-08T04:02:00.002+01:00

Mode: Where Is The Love by B.E.P.

Its juz @ d rite timing!

In da midst of lobbying 4 support 2 sanction North Korea following an one-sided proven sinking of Cheonan ship, the world's attention now shifts 2 da massacre attack of Mavi Marmara on which on a humanitarian mission 2 Palestine. In less than a forthnite,after US, South Korea and Japan alliance agreed 2 sentence the North Korea for its missile attack, da Israelis Army had ambushed a Flotilla humanitarian mission to Palestine which caused severe injuries and brutal killings. Both causes are significantly critical especially to US 'so-called' superpower because.

- both involves maritime casualties.
- both involves lost of lives (although da latter Mavi Marmara had ppl left unwounded)

- Da differences r only:
One (the latter) is done by US' ally while the another is by US enemy.
One is not totally proven ( the US, Sweden, UK, Australia dun count as a single valid judgment ) while da other, not only proven, but admitted by its Minister of Defence yang lahanat* tue

When these news known to me, only 3 words I can think of - GOD IS FAIR.

Why?

So now, the self-claimed 'world police' has to also judge Israel's unlawful and barbaric attack on Mavi Marmara n 2 do wat is deemed to be rite. Although I remain being sceptical as the US would indicate its strong objection to its ally, but @ least da world is more confident dat indeed, we cant trust the US 2 b impartial and sincere in solving world's crisis. Da more dat dis confidence rises, a better hope for da world bloc to unite 2 against Israelis violence and US unfair treatment. Its just a matter of time dat da world will turn its back 2 US n Israel. N I wud b more rightly 2 say, perhaps, now da world is already aware n conscious on da double standard treatment of da US and Israel to the Palestinians, but it hasnt reached 2 a level dat they have da courage n bravery 2 punish da offenders n made them liable for wat they've done. N dis wud b da last chance 4 Israel 2 change or otherwise it is digging its grave deeper n deeper. ( Da digging has started long time ago )

Dats y I think God is Fair and God Knows Best on how 2 execute His Plan.

Zokhri's sidenote:
On da other hand, I'm doubtful whether it was da North who launched da missile attack to South's Cheonan ship. Although Kim Jong Il is old (some say he's ill) but I dun think he is stupid enuff 2 ignite a war while da country is vulnerable n incapable 2 go into war Da North still need da South as da largest exporting destination. For trade purposes and logically, until its economy is stable enuff 2 sustain, only then they will break da tie. And considering da fact dat da South and US alliance have an advanced satellite technology, who monitored 24/7 on North progress hours by hours, how can they not see dat coming? N I dun av 2 remind on d one sided investigation mechanism by the South.

* "lahanat" means God's curse be upon him/them.

Mid-Life Crisis

2010-05-31T15:47:00.003+01:00

Survey:

Have u ever been into a situation called "MidLife Crisis (MLC)?"
YES/NO
If YES, kindly share ur views.
If NO, kindly ignore dis post, but remember, sooner or later, u will.

Do U know what is a MidLife Crisis?
If YES, OK
If NO, proceed below for description.

If u google it, 3 main results will appear. Nevertheless, I define MLC as a state in life where u r @ a crossroad, clueless on which direction u shud take. It normally happens when u've accomplished a huge mission in life (like graduate from univ, had enough wif existing job, your relationship is at the cliff hanging) or simply u dunno wat will u do wif ur life. As da name propagates, it strikes to middle-aged individuals (30-40 years of age). But due 2 sum exceptional circumstances, it mite happen earlier than u expected. Juz like in my case.

I know wat I want in life. I've imagined wat sort of lifestyle I desire in future. I've also imagined 2 spend my remaining years in a countryside house, surrounded by mountains n streams - fishing in da morning, cooking 4 lunch, gardening in d afternoon, n reading/writing till bed time (of course I av 2 beribadah a.k.a. worshipping God too since my past is full of sins =)

I want 2 b a writer who able 2 inspire d world. I want 2 b known bcuz of my aspiration n inspiration in making da world as a better place 2 live on. I want 2 av my own publication, TV programme production (like Oprah's Ellen Degeneres or like TED.com). If I av enuff money, I want 2 build a boarding skewl in any of da failed states, guiding children 2 change their life n escape from poverty. I want 2 build houses 4 da abandoned child, so dat they'll know, they arent alone in dis world without love n care.

But bcuz my dreams arent look alike da majority ones, I am stuck not knowing wat shud I do next. Wat I mean by majority ones like - I want 2 b a successful surgeon so once I graduated from med skewl, I'll go into practicing -or- I want 2 b rich, hence I gonna start me own business -or- I want 2 b top lawyer/engineer/lecturer...so dis is wat I will do. But I want 2 b more than dat. Beyond existing career n sumting more meaningful in (my) life. N da destination seems 2 b far n blur, making me stranded n not moving.

I juz completed my MA n now receiving few offers 4 my postgrad studies. I am in a state of considering each and everyone of em. Da thing is, despite I luv 2 explore knowledge n enjoy da privilleges being a student, da other reason is becuz I hate working n being employed. Shirooooooooooooo. So even though I dunno wat shall I do (4 sure), one thing I know (4 sure) is I dun want 2 b employed in corporate and practising world.

OK str8 2 d point, dis is wat I got so far:-

a) An offer 2 pursue my 2nd MA in Political Science (Social and Political Theory) at Central European University with full tuition fee waiver. Which means I've 2 work my ass 2 pay my bills still.

b) I'm applying 4 da same course in Korea wif full scholarship @ SNU and Yonsei.
Bonus - Maybe I be able 2 master 한국 (Korean) as my 4th language.
Sub-bonus - I've promised 2 my fav Kpop star dat I will wait 4 him, currently serving military training *wink*. Only then I can leave Korea in peace *winking again*

c) I can write 2 local unis in Malaysia stating my interest in joining academia. From da contacts been made, they r likely want me 2 join service n I can rest assured 2 my Doctorate course since it will be taken care of.
Bonus - I can see LSE, Kings, Bigben, Tower Bride, and Her Majesty The Queen welcoming me
Disadvantageous - Me arse will b bonded wif em for 7 years!!! N academia world in Malaysia is not dat healthy frankly speaking.

Hence now, Im stuck @ a cross-road, wif 3 directions. Each of em has its gud/bad side 2 offer. Da think is, none of dis directly leads me 2 my dreams. I am juz pursuing a realistic plan in life, being mid 30++ who doesnt av savings n specific commitments (like marriage). Unless miracles strikes, I am afraid I juz av 2 endure wif da ordinary planning. Meanwhile I can start 2 work on my 1st publication.

So if u were me, wat wud u do? 어떻가지?

"When U dont know what to do, get still. The answer will come." -Oprah-

F.E.A.R.L.E.S.S

2010-05-28T17:31:00.001+01:00

I admit dat da last two entries arent good. They are so demotivating and frustrating. One of the feedbacks I received saying dat I am renowned 4 Melancholic expertise bcuz my life is full of misery n melancholy. And I dun deny such claims. I accept it, knowing dat it is exactly my life I'm portraying in Asignofthecreator. Asignofthecreator is created 2 allow d author 2 b true 2 himself n 2 loyal viewers. It holds no secret of d owner cuz he believes, dis is da least place he is not afraid being himself 2 d public.

Truth b told, after every drizzles, a mirage of 7 beautiful stripes will appear. And we call it Rainbow. Da past few days made me think n wonder, why is my life being so hard n tragic? (dat made me become a self-inaugurated Professor in Melancholic and Sadness Science) I posted an entry b4, since I am born all-wronged, I av no other options but 2 endure dis life as long as it lasts. I recite my birthday wishes/prayers everyday, but I guess God hasnt listened 2 it yet. Still nothing changed. Suddenly I remembered, a great fren of mine ( I cudnt reveal da name since I havent obtained her consent, but she's a hell gud writer) wrote sumting on one being fearless n how 2 pursue life with a less sense of being fear. I believe, dis is also parallel 2 wat Taylor Swift claims on da power of one being fearless in every possible avenue 2 b fear (especially in relationship)

To me, “FEARLESS” is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s FEARLESS to stop believing them. It’s FEARLESS to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright…That’s FEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That’s why I write these songs. Because I think love is FEARLESS. (Taylor Swift, 2008)

N I partly agree wif dat, bearing in mind dat its easier sed than done!. While admitting dat having faith in luv is necessary, I view happiness in life comes from multi-angles n direction. N L.O.V.E. is one of em. N one's Happiness/Satisfaction is not defined by others surrounding you. Ur happiness is set on ur own needs n measurement. Thus being fearless 2 me is not only dedicated 4 luv, but how 2 gain happiness in life. So, after a sip of Topresso Americano n a deep breath, dis is wat I deliberate on one being F.E.A.R.L.E.S.S. in life.

Being F.E.A.R.L.E.S.S. is when we accepted da past n its grievances but wudnt carry da baggage into da future. It's da state of acknowledging dat human makes mistake in order 2 grow old naturally n never afraid 2 make one. Being F.E.A.R.L.E.S.S. is also not 2 count da chances u've forfeited in da pasts, but always allow 2 make a new start. Rather than calculating how many years u've busted, count on da years u have remaining 2 make it right. By being F.E.A.R.L.E.S.S., u r not 2 worry if things dun go ur way because dere always be a slight chance 2 make it work. U r not sighing every morning u wake up saying 'its gonna b another hell' but remind urself dat everyday, u create ur own history (Vicky, 2009). It doesnt mean u've reached d end n accept ur defeat bcuz as long as u r living, u will never stop fighting. U will only rest when u r put 2 rest. No matter how many times u've fallen (off da track) U will raise and race. Above all, F.E.A.R.L.E.S.S. is an art of cherishing what is given, learning the mistakes, and moving on, making a step (or a big leap) under da name of faith. N faith is not 2 b thought, but 2 b lived!

ps
so wat do u think comparing Swift's version and mine? I know she writes longer and well established, but will I get some credentials for deliberating mine? *wink*

Can A Cure Be A Poison?

2010-05-22T09:12:00.003+01:00

Sweet as it is, turning my days into a misery

HOPE it was meant to be, running through my heart killing me softly.

P.S.

And I want you to know, there's no moment in my life spent putting the blame on you. Instead 졍말 감사합니다.

A Prisoner's Cry

2010-05-22T08:39:00.001+01:00

Can a cure be a poison?

How can an angel caused so much pain?

A soul-less prisoner I am

Shackled, suffocating being in vain

Can a strength be a weakness?

How can a saviour turns to be a killer?

I wish I could decipher

In the end still, I am a loser

U came, U conquered, U shined in the dark

U left, unknowingly leaving a mark

Why this could be happening?

Wondering how this could be true

No matter how far I ran

To the deepest ocean I went

It is still the smell of your scent

Once, U lead me the way

Turning me into a helpless prey

Your true heart will never be at guilty

Ironically as it be

My heart will never be happy

U gave me light which turns me blind

U gave me hope which sweeps my blissful behind

Why O Lord?

Why dear heart?

A stupid and foolish I am

Sipping a poison which once was a cure

To be in tears which once was a smile

As a saviour turns to be a killer

I've stopped running, falling, waiting to die.

- Another lonely night, cry a tearing heart -
- 0156 May 22nd 2010 -

The Notion of Jealousy

2010-05-16T08:58:00.001+01:00

I unders10 wat it takes 2 b jealous. When sum1 has sumting dat u r craving 4, jealousy will grow in u. Dats natural 4 every homosapien. Erkk ... I'm not sure whether animals av da same cuz I probably havent encounter any theory proving dat. Maybe yes cuz jealousy derives from da heart (a form of feeling) n not from da brain. And I been taught dat da only line between a human and non-human is dat humans av mind 2 think n non-humans dun. So, probably animals cud also (very low assumption) cud feel jealous. Maybe no becuz animals av a less interaction between themselves as humans do. Or less-complicated than wat we usually interact. Its either u r my enemy or our side dat kinda thing.

But human jealousy takes place in different forms, depending on circumstances. We say it cud b 4 da +'ve side and -'ve side. Whether its 4 a gud cause or supposed 4 da bad cause, @ times its intertwined wif da 2 dat makes me hard 2 unders10 da rite of a person 2 b jealous.

Recently, I happened 2 b involved in Facebook-status-war with an old fren. Well, he doesnt consider me as a fren, frankly speaking. D thing is, I only dropped few lines 2 his bf ( I assume so, cuz sumtimes their ups n downs r pretty difficult 2 b figured...told ya forbidden love is hardly @ peace) of concerns since its been a while we last talked. How long "a while" means, I dun dare 2 comment. N suddenly dis envious fren, launched his missiles 2 me out of my gud faith. OK I admit, da three of us involved in a not-so-real triangle relationship (cuz dere was never a time I felt love 2 any2 of em) n I sorted it out totally n moved on pursuing my happiness life meeting more ppl from other side of d globe. But I guess, dis isnt da case 4 him. Whether he is still b traumatised, haunted, hard 2 move on I dunno? Its like helloooowwww wats ur prob, pal?

So I played "scrabble", putting jealousy in da middle, n try 2 find a reason 2 feel dat based on da characters of J-E-A-L-O-U-S-Y. N dis is wat I got:

L - Love
Simple answer. I guess every1 knows. U'll envy when sum2 dat u luv is being wif sum1 n not U. As much as you want him/her 2 b wif U, dat much of jealousy dat u develop knowing him/her r with sum1. Da more dat u crave 4 his/her love, caring, smile n remembrance, da higher da jealousy metre rises.

E - insEcured
Relating 2 d 1st one, fearing u mite lose love, U'll feel insecured every single moment he's not being wif u, n it drives u nuts n worried. U wonder, has his/her feelings diminished 4 u bcuz s/he wif sum1 or calculating da possibilities dat u no longer significant in his/her life. In dat case, u r probably rite 2 b jealous.

S - low Self esteem
Insecurity caused likely by low-self esteem. Comparing urself n ur competitor, u mite think dat U r lacking of sumting dat da other side is gud @. Of course nobody is perfect. Wat u av mite not av in others n vice-versa. But bcuz love intervenes, dat makes u afraid of losing love n da loved ones while inferiority complex starts 2 put its devil hats...n seeing ur love is wif sum2 dat u think is much better than thou, u feel envy and makes u uneasy.

U - no trUst
Also, without wind n storms, everything meant 2 b a disaster. n dat i mean becuz u lack of/dun have trust in ur relationship. Ever heard Savage Garden's Affirmation dat "I believe trust is more important than monogamy"? It all balls down 2 faith n trust u put in da other half in ur relationship. Furthermore, dis is da core foundation in any relationship. Unless trust is not securely built from da start, ur relationship will never ending encounter conflicts n complications. Series of dramas mite only be justifications 4 ur jealousy, but it seems ur relationship is not stable n probably "right" from d very beginning. N I know dis 4 sure.

A - finding fAult
Ermm I guess dis is surprising niu. U feel jealous bcuz it never meant 2 b luv, but merely highlighting da mistakes of sum1 u 'allegedly' in love with. U want 2 make him/her realise dat s/he is not trustworthy n holds d blame w everything. U intend 2 prove ur so-called unquestionable sincerity n make him/her suffer. Clearly I dun want 2 pin-point anybody, but I guess one cud probably know him/herself better. Da one @ a disadvantageous side is da innocent party, who profusely been blamed 4 his misconducts-in-love under the name of ill-faith jealousy. N I feel sorry 2 those who belong 2 dis category, 4 frequently been blamed without a strong ground of justification. Worst, s/he has no 'alibi' 2 defend da accusation.

So dere u go. I juz got 5 causes of jealousy from 5 characters of L-E-S-U-A. Mind helping me into looking da remaining alphabets please? Calling for relationship experts 4 contribution.

Again,
I BELIEVE TRUST IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MONOGAMY

WHAT I WISH FOR MY BIRTHDAYS

2010-05-13T06:53:00.002+01:00

May 3rd passed not so long time ago. I received warmth (da important thing is decent) celebration by ppl surrounding me. Thank you and I thank God for sending em 2 me on my special day. Being a quarter of century ++, my frens been asking wat cud b da 소물 (gift) I wish 4 my birthday dis year. N I think dats pretty tough 2 answer, although @ d moment, I crave 4 many things. But birthday gifts shud b sumting different. Sumting I can have using my limited savings. Also, not an object dat listed under -wat-a-25++-year-old-chap-shud-have.

I need not a house, since I dunno where and when will be my next stop.
Not even a car cuz I hate driving (read:not dat I dunno hokay). Plus I dun av a permanent residence.
Financial Savings? Well, I spend wat I earn, thus I dun av savings. Also, I cant b sue whether I'll b exist till 2moro 2 withdraw my savings.
Marriage? A Family? Sorry, I dun reckon both as objects, neither as my priorities @ da mo.

But last few days, I think I've found sumting dat I really want, n I will keep on asking 4 it, untill I finally av. N I've proclaimed dat dis shud b da same birthday present wishes 4 d next coming birthdays, as long as I live.

I wish/desire/dream/aim to have

A WISDOM TO UNDERSTAND GOD'S PLAN AND GOD'S WAY IN MY ENTIRE LIFE BEING ALIVE.

N now comes the whys:

1st, I always believe da existence of a superpower dat regulates da universe n da world order. He creates, He arranges, and He executes all His arrangements. I believe dat His Arrangements work best 4 us cuz He knows wats best 4 us, His created immortals. But dere r certain things dat I dun unders10 n find it hard 2 accept. Dat is not 2 say dat I hold any objection to Him, rather criticise Him, but I am profusely suffering in deciphering da meaning behind all da things He made 4. Upon reaching da deadlock, I end up hurting myself unknowingly.

I dun unders10 y natural disasters like earthquakes av 2 happen in a poor countries like Haiti, Indonesia neither 2004 Tsunami in Indonesia, Bangladesh, Sri Langka n its neighbouring vicinities? Arent dis ppl suffered enuff from their current conditions? Wats da need of punishing em more from wat they already bear?

I dun unders10 y He allows wars, genocide, massive massacres 2 happen. Clearly, its a bad will 4 human n juz making human civilisation 2 deteriorate. When the Bush admin was planning 2 attack Afghanistan and latter Iraq, I prayed n wished dat He will stop em from happening. But it didnt stop. N me heart torn into parts looking @ d helpless women n children, enduring da pain wif bloods n dust all over their bodies. Why cud He stop em?

I dun unders10 y is He making sum ppl life miserable while s/he is a gud servant @ da same time, giving extra luxury 2 ill-hearted persons. Ever wonder y suddenly a healthy lifestyle man who never smoke, drink suddenly knowing his life is coming 2 an end? Isnt it a man deserves wat he deserves n shud earn wat he is entitled 2 av. Arent u tired enuff listening ppl complaining 'Life Isnt Fair'? N reality often replies, 'because life will never be fair.'

Above all,

I dun unders10 y is He creating sum1 2 b all wrong, while dat person has no freedom 2 choose from d beginning. Wats da punishment 4 a baby 2 b born handicapped, born wif fatal disease which clearly s/he has nothing 2 do dat made him/her rendering da consequences. On a different perspective, if da gays n lesbians av a choice 2 b born as str8, normal n ordinary ppl, juz like da others do, Im sure we no longer av em. I'm sure they dun want 2 b born as they r in now cuz having a forbidden love on a forbidden r/ship will never b @ peace. But its juz dat they dun av da courage 2 make it rite, cuz making a decision seems 2 b easy, but choosing a rite one n to live through in a rite decision, in which, is not u after all will never be easy.

Dere r many things dat dun work out perfectly in my life. N I've struggling hard 2 meet its wisdom so dat I can lead my life in bliss, gaining da strength 2 "Let Go" and "Moving On." But dere's always 1 think dat I never b able 2 deal wif. Why is He creating me all wronged while I dun av da chance 2 choose in da beginning? Even if da past life truly exist, wat av I done wrong dat makes me suffering from such unbearable upbringing? @ 1st I take it as God wants me 2 b strong n able 2 find d light. Da truth is - I'm still trapped in da dark, n I find myself exhausting in finding da light. Frustration, Hurt, Despair, Misery, Loneliness ... u name it. I do know wat it means n actually feel wat it means.

I dun wish 2 b born like dis, n I'm suffocating being me, wat more 2 make things rite. Why r U doing dis 2 me, dear Lord?

Why it is me dat U choose?

And I want nothing from U, but to know why. So dat, I know how 2 move on, accepting my life if not make it better.

God
Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The Courage to change the things that I can
And the Wisdom to know the difference ...

TIME IS ALL I NEED ...

2010-05-05T09:16:00.001+01:00

Today, my 1 month effort of dedication n determination is evaluated. Not to my surprise, it didn't turn out well =). Da reason I can smile still is because I accepted it with an open heart (after one BigMac Happy Meal course few hours after da evaluation been released). Also, after a 'F.I.G.H.T.I.N.G' spell said by my special -slash- personal motivator b4 leaving da Academy. Although I pretty much cud guess da outcome of da evaluation, but open officially seeing it wif my own eyes, many thoughts came 2 my mind, dat sumhow made me questioning whether wat I am doing is rite.

Wait, 착가만요, of course I know it is rite. It's sumting dat I really wanted, n thank God, I av da opportunity n strength 2 do it. Surely, I shud b gr8ful 4 every single minute passed, counting all of God's mercy along da way. But wif such a low score dat I obtained, I cudnt lie by saying I'm happy regardless. U C, dere r few lil things I want 2 do in life (like learning Hangul for example) and bcuz its sumting dat I really wanting 2 do, I've put most of my effort ( I wudnt dare 2 say 2 da fullest bcuz I keep on saying dis is merely an educational vacation, not a serious study course ). 2 make dis thing successfully achieved, I've stayed back after class 2 revise da lessons (ok2 dere's another reason too n u know it), unembarassingly knocking on my 선생님 door asking 4 repeatition n clarification n etc. n partly da result impliedly telling, its not enuff!

정말요? Really?

Prior 2 da exam, my special motivator n I had a talk. ermm a pep-talk if u like. Its bcuz I c myself sailing wif no specific direction in studies. Bcuz da vocabs, grammar (owh da korean particles 박짐 r killing me) speaking skills all combusted @ a time, I lose focus. I dunno wat shud I emphasise on since I'm lacking of all em. But my personal motivator sed, take it easy Zokhri-sshi! As a beginner, we wont expect much that wat a beginner shud know. By knowing how 2 construct a simple sentence n read, dats already in itself an achievement. Believing wat he sed is reasonable, I faced da exam with enuff sleep and free from stress. After all, learning is fun.

We also reached 2 a point dat, ALL I NEED IS TIME! Dun set a specific (impossible) target, but juz enjoy da learning process as every language is all about discovering new things, engage wif it n apply it in daily life. N dere's no special formulae like how many hours a day shud u study or how many things shud u know by time, but juz sail it through n let it flows in ur heart n mind. In da end, dis is wat we call as learning by heart, n not for passing exams!

n 2day I felt da feeling back when I was 13, when getting my results 4 my 1st test in Arabic language. ( I got 40% and got 46% for Hangul ). I can still remember how nearly I was 2 give it up n juz focus on sumting I'm realy gud @ (English Language I think). Da same feeling strikes me now after being experiencing it 14 years ago. Da only difference is - @ least now I'm having Arabic as my 3rd language.
NOTE: Juz AVERAGE ok.. wif not-so-bad skills 2 read, 2 write n 2 communicate.
N when I recall all da sweat n tears of learning Arabic, I am convinced dat learning language is never gonna be easy!! ( I dun believe dat dere is a language in dis worl dat is easily 2 b learnt ). Its challenging, demanding but despite its everlasting reward, I'm doing it bcuz I want 2 do it. n da reason of wanting 2 do it is bcuz it's sumting dat I like.

So I think, I shudnt have a slight doubt whether wat I am doing now is going 2 turn out well. It will in da end!!! Plus I know dat Im not dat lazy n stup. Its juz dat God is testing me 2 ask, whether I am really determined 2 do dis. Da answer cud only be 2:

1) I'VE LOST MY DETERMINATION. n I will remain as a person within my confort zone, who satisfy by knowing his native language, English and Arabic.

2) I STILL HAVE THE DETERMINATION. n I will face dis failure as a stepping stone 4 a long term -slash- success satisfaction. I will identify my handicaps n try 2 improve it from time 2 time. No pressure. No stress. Just enjoyment & patience.

After all I gone through, (wif da 6 month planning n 7 years of being a 할류 Hallyu), do u think its a worthwhile 2 opt 4 da 2nd answer?

Indeed, FAILURE IS A DEFERRED SUCCESS !!!

주그리 씨, 바이팅 !!!!

I Wish I Could Decipher Ppl

2010-05-01T08:43:00.002+01:00

Maybe dis entry relates with the 1 posted earlier. As previously mentioned, I received a warm acceptance by da ppl around me in Seoul. Whenever I go 2 skewl, my 선셍님 (teacher) will greet me wif her smile, my personal motivator will drop some conversation wif me, making me 2 look 4ward 4 da next schooling day. @ home, da house owner will say hi n ask 'how do u do 2day?' And because I dunno much how to elaborate, 긴자나요 (I'm just fine) is da only word I replied with a sincere smile.

I am surrounded by caring ppl n profusely feel b blessed 4 coming 2 Korea. And no words cud express how appreciate I am 2 av lived ere.

Recently, one of my frens, who has been staying in Korea for 5 years told me sumting wen we talked bout Korea and its ppl. While we established da fact dat Koreans r generally -emphasis added- caring n luving, @ times, they do dat bcuz of few reasons. U see, da world we r living now is full of motives n hidden agenda. U r obliged 2 do sumting (extraordinary) bcuz of a factor dat pushes u 2 do so. Clearly I'm not making dis as a thumb-rule 4 every1. But, we arent wrong either 2 make dis assumption as a precautionary note when dealing wif ppl. Just not 2 make urself hurt in da end, enw.

So we listed down few possible reasons, taking dis few ppl round me as samples of da experiment:

FIRST, business-customer relationship.
Because I'm legally a rentee of da apartment, n a stud @ my skewl, they owe a duty 2 make me satisfied wif da service they provided. Otherwise, I'll pack up n go.

SECOND, I am a foreigner.
Plus, having an effort 2 learn Korean language n culture on top of dat. So they feel appreciated because why-on-earth-sum1-wants-to-learn-Hangul-since-its-not-da-world-language-enw dat kinda thing.

THIRD, I'm naturally friendly (n talkative too - fellow Malaysians kindly read it as 'keypoh' hokay not 'gediks')
Despite my low proficiency in Hangul, I'm trying me best 2 accommodate ppl around me in 항국. This includes saying anything dat I know, s long s 2 make da sentence relevant 2 da conversation. However, da failure rate is much higher than its success.

FOURTH, quoting a friend, I'm delicate, fragile, gentle and soft, in which they feel sorry 2 me.
2 c me alone in dis big city wif no 1 to hold on to, no 1 2 rely on, making em feel symptahised. And I know, ppl never regard me as physically strong n tough due 2 my natural personality which suggests otherwise.

N dis strikes me str8 2 da face. I am fully aware of my personality n conditions ere in Korea, but I never meant em 2 b da causes 3 ppl 2 sympathise me. 4give me, a snobbish arrogant lad I m not, but I dun need ppl's sympathy. If u want 2 sympathise ppl, go n look urself 2 da 3rd world countries n da failure states. Look, @ their children n women. They r da 1 who need our concerns. Not a delicate soft personality like me who stands on his own feet facing wat we call L-I-F-E.

When dis thot circling my mind, it urges me 2 av a face 2 face talk asking - Y u been so nice 2 me? Izzit bcuz u think I'm ........................ . I wish I cud av da 6th sense 2 unders10 their feelings n motives. Not becuz I doubt em, not even 2 depreciate their concerns, but I juz dun want ppl 2 feel sorry 4 me. Becuz of a simple reason - I dunt feel sorry 2 myself.

On a different picture, I m also subjected 2 ppl hatredness. While dis is a minority scenario (n I cudnt b bothered but I wish 2 know - wat av I done dat makes u hate me so much? Wat sins av I committed dat u think I'm da worst ever creature living on dis world?

Either 4 luving me or hating me, I know its all 4 a reason(s). 4 every smile, concern, n ur anger eyes, I need 2 know da reasons. 4 every complexity n mystery of ur heart n its feelings, I wish 2 know da explanation. Isnt everything dat happened, happens 4 a reason? N my solitude lil wish is da opportunity 2 unders10 em.

Cud dis b so demanding 4 me 2 ask for?

After all, da tranquility in life is based on wisdom dat created from discovering, learning, accepting, n embracing da reasons.

ZI
세울 Seoul 1/5/2010

A FORTHNITE AND I'M STILL SURVIVING

2010-04-20T15:28:00.003+01:00

Current location: Seoul

It has past forthnite since I’ve landed in Korea. Forgive me for not updating da posts as da past few weeks been too occupied for an adjustment. Well 2 b honest, not dat bz ever since my vacation epiphany has preventing my arses from engaging in any activities apart from sleeping, eating n eating and attending 항국 classes (hey, @ least dere’s one serious thing ere I do, peeps). It is also not 2 say I’m finding myself hard 2 re-orientate myself from being a full-time student in Japan to a full-time tourist n part-time 항국 student in Seoul. I think I’m easily adapted to new environment considering da level of flexibility, tolerance and liberalism dat I have. –ngeeeeeeeee-

@ 1st, I held a serious reservation on Korea n da Koreans. I faced few difficulties on my early days of arrival. For instance, despite been telling my apartment owner (they call it 하숙 here) on my arrival time @ da place, he was out n made me waiting in cold 4 1 hour. Luckily one of da rentees was kind enuff 2 ring him asking his whereabouts n he immediately rushed back. Kamsahamnida.

I also thot n still holding a perception dat da peeps ere r less considerate n so blatant. Every time my shoulders been hit hardly while strolling on a busy street, I can never expect dat person will turn back n offers an apology. Instead they will just walk off as if nothing happens. Contrary 2 my previous 6 months in Japan, even a slight contact wud render 2 people to nod down and apologise. It made you even want 2 apologise 2 another although its entirely not ur fault who caused such pokes. But dun expect da same courtesy ere in Korea.

This does not mean I’m saying they r rude. They aren’t in fact (in a way). Its just dat sumtimes, a society is meant 2 b less considerate naturally. I can understand dat cuz I myself come from a society more or less da same picturised da Koreans (in certain aspects, its even worst).

Another situation, while I hardly heard ppl honking on da road (while I was in da UK and Japan) ere I am nearly immuned 2 it. Sumtimes I wonder why cant ppl juz b lil’ patient n try 2 understand other road users? Cars cud juz break down, u cud b daydreaming seeing its still red while it’s already GREEN, or u cud juz loose ur focus when u r on da road. But I guess, as long as I’m not driving I dun bother dat much.

Now cums 2 da +’ve sides n I think it dilutes da previous points I’ve raised b4 – in a way.

Koreans r a loving n caring society. Because they are honest 2 wat they feel, they dun hesitate 2 express it 2 others. Many young couples (n old too) r seen 2 b affectionate by da romance blossoming in their relationship. Holding hands, whispering, laughing, smiling and teasing each other r everywhere when u r on public which appear 2 feel how strong their loves are. U r bound 2 feel dat love is all they need 4 a day, fearing dere will b no tomorrow. N I find dat sweet n brave. Not many av da guts 2 express their feelings 2 da other party in public. It takes a strong motivation for u 2 tell da world dat, hey-we-r-in-love and we truly enjoy each other.

And as usual, I am left alone 2 ‘sightseeing’ dis romance while I’ve no one important in my life now. Lonely as I am, still, I feel happy 2 c happiness in other ppl eyes.

Da Koreans (in my observation) r caring too. Dis leads 2 my personal experience encountering with PJS (no names, OK) working as student affairs executive @ my skewl. From da very beginning of our meeting, he welcomes all my queries n demands wif a smile, n open hand. Dere was once I needed 2 enquire about 영산 (Yongsan), da biggest electronic town in Korea. Since I wasn’t quite sure on its whereabouts, PJS printed out da map n directions (coloured printed summore!) n on top of dat taking his time 2 explain it 2 me until I understand. In fact, he insists me 2 ring him if I got lost or having problems on da day. N dat day, he is supposed not 2 work n cud leisurely spend time on his own.

Another example wud b a middle-aged 앚어찌 (uncle) who happens 2 b my neighbour. While he speaks very little English and I replied in very little (incorrect) Korean, we got along very well. He bought me some cookies n biscuits upon seeing me enjoying em so much. Once he paid a visit 2 my room 4 a chat n volunteered 2 check on my 쑥제 (homework). I know he cud be lonely staying in his room (his family is in 부산 (Busan) and he will go back 2 his hometown in weekend. But while dere r many others Koreans staying 2gether wif us (whom he can communicate very well) its me dat he spends his after-office time wif. It made me feel dat I’m part of his family.

A housekeeper (whom I call her 앚움마 (auntie) will always greet me when I’m back from skewl. She is aware dat we hardly understand each other but she keeps on being passionate in talking 2 me. She taught me how 2 use da rice cooker n microwave.
SERIOUS NOTE: Its not dat I’m so stupid 2 use those electronic stuffs k. But since everything is in 항국, u wont expect me 2 know every single word.
@ times, she gives me drinks. Soft drinks I mean. Da thing dat touched me is – working as a housekeeper wif dat lil amount of earnings, she still av heart 2 make me feel comfortable living in da apartment. And I’m being treated nicely despite a high-thick barrier between us. 감사합니다 앚움마. I’ll spell ur name in my prayers.

So I guess, all da gud sides av erased da bad ones. N I’m glad dat my days in Korea r filled wif many unexpected beautiful things. Da more dat I discover da place, da more belonging sense I feel. Albeit, my IUJ mate Jordan is right by claiming – “dun get upset wif lil things go wrong, but give urself more time 4 it 2 make it right n 2 discover more nice things around u in Seoul.”

@ dis juncture, he is rite!!!

Annyong peeps!

PS:
I 4get 2 mention 1 important discovery. Statistically, out of 10 peeps I bumped to on da street, 9 r pretty gudlooking. And Im not kidding, for godsake! Dis applies 2 both 여자 (gurls) and 남자 (boys). I say, da Koreans r naturally hawt – which never disappoint me eyes in enjoying God’s creation … U’rrrrrrrrrite ZI!

U'VE BEEN REJECTED, SO WHAT ?!

2010-03-21T13:19:00.005Z

Dear Son/Gurl,

I am writing dis 2 u in advanced, even b4 meeting ur mother becuz of 1 gr8 reason. I luv u more than u ever do. Strangely, I started 2 feel da love even b4 u were exist rite b4 my eyes. The feeling of protecting u has started b felt in my heart although I av no idea when I cud av thou. People say, love is not meant 2 b seen neither 2 b touched, but it cud still b sensed, even wif sum1 who is yet 2 appear n sum1 who has disappeared before ur eyes.

Partly da reasons being, while da memory is still surfacing n is very dear 2 me, I decided 2 seal it down so dat nothing goes missing n misleading. Ur father has come to many phases in life and relationships – to its ups and downs, been into da light of hope n darkness of despondency, both da beauty of loyalty and the trauma betrayal, been idolated and been disown. Everything! A perfect father certainly I am not, children. But becuz of these various flavours I av tasted in my life (n later 2 experience) perhaps, I have no regret in my life and in getting old.

@ dis age, U must av desired 4 loads of things. To succeed in life (be wif career n studies) including in L.OV.E. but shud dis doesn’t go as in da way u desired it 2 b, feel worry not, as your father always tell himself that indeed, ‘failure is a delayed success.’ So take these advices deep 2 ur heart, av em a thought may you find the world is not ending yet, but has many unexplored rooms of happiness waiting 4 u.

1. U’VE BEEN REJECTED BY THE 2 DAT U LOVED

First, never ever thot dat it is luv dat rejects u. And u shud not put the blame to love, either. Love has nothing 2 do wif it. Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful nor conceded.It is never rude or selfish.It does not take offence It is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins but always delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure ... whatever comes. The one dat doesn’t need u is ur ex. So be it!!! Let him/her go! U av given him/her a chance 2 b part in ur life n 4 u 2 be his/hers. But things dun work out. So pack up and leave! Cherish da sweet things s/he has done 2 u. Never hate him/her but u shud thank da person for giving urself both 2 try to work things out 2gether.

Tony McCollum said, “when people walk away from you, let them go. Your destiny is never tied 2 anyone who leaves you, and it doesn’t mean they are bad people. It just means dat their part in ur story is over.”

2. BREAK-UPS HURT

YES, True. I never say it isn’t. No one will even say its easy too. 4 da 1^st time in my life when I was 18, I had my first break-up. N u know dat 1^st love is unforgettable. 4 da 1^st time, I cudnt feel da ground n da world has coming 2 an end n found no reason for living. My views are blurring, spinning around in all directions n I cudnt feel myself standing when dat person muttered those “suicidal” words 2 me. But after my eyes ran out of tears, another part of me was saying “I am still young 2 end my life wif dis stupid thing. I can fall in love again, and mend da broken heart. I can b happy again wif my new love.” N I keep on telling myself – dere’s sum1 (out dere) who is still waiting 4 my love. Its just I haven’t found dat person yet. And dat person is still in foreverly waiting. And God purposely wanted u 2 meet da ‘wrong’ ones 1^st b4 giving u da ‘rite’ one. So u will learn and make it better.

“You can be mad as a mad dog at the way things went; you can swear and curse the fates - but when it comes to the end, you have to let go.” The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

3. YOU CANT FORGET HIM/HER.

Y shud u forget him/her? After all, s/he was once placed @ a very disctinctive space in ur heart. Forgetting sum1 who was once exist is ike believing dat trees do not exist. So, u shudnt! But do not forget, dat ur chapter wif him/her has come 2 an end. Closed. And life is so friggin boring by aving 1 chapter only. We shud try 2 add as many chapters as we can in order 2 get old properly. Indeed, when a story ends, da new one begins. So move on!! Create a new chapter of urs n make sure u write better dis time. Because u already know da rules of da game. Clearly s/he had betrayed ur trust and I see no point of reconciling and begging things to happen as da way it was b4.

When I was 27, I used 2 listen to “Telephone” by Lady Gaga ft Beyonce (they were the world icon back then) Tellin ya, they were hawt n gorgeous in da vc. n dis was wat they discussed in da vc.

“Trust is like a mirror. You can fix if its broken but u can still see da crack in da mother****er reflection.”

4. YOU CANT LIVE WITHOUT HIM/HER

But u can live (so well) b4 meeting him/her. So why judge urself as a wuss n punishing ur life 4 not aving him/her? Look around ya! Ur always stand-by-you parents, supporting sibs (if ur mum is strong enuff to preggie more lah), wonderful frens, above all, The One up there. U av everyone despite of losing sum1. N ur family will always support u. We will b ur wheel 4 u 2 walk, ur wings 4 u 2 fly, ur eyes when u cudnt see, ur cure when u r dying, ur strength when u r losing, n ur shoulder when u burst 2 cry. You ask for it, we’ll give it. Your mum and I will do everything 2 bring u back 2 life. U will never go through dis alone. Not while I’m still breathing.

Paulo Coelho says, “Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take is the worst of suffering.”

5. WHY IS DIS HAPPENING TO YOU?

I dunno. He knows. N we know dat He knows best for every mortal He created. God is giving u a sign son/sweetheart. If only u b able 2 live long, u’ll look back @ dis, n understand. And its better 2 happen now than in da future. Break-up is not bout better late than never, its about da sooner da better. Y? becuz if sumting is not meant 2 be, then it will never be. U can never pretend 2 av sumting if u don’t own it. So Let It Be. @ da time when ur grannies were @ da same age wif me, dere’s a popular song by The Beatles and they sang, “and when the broken hearted people living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be. For though they may be parted there is still a chance that there will be an answer, let it be.”

6. YOU KEEP ON CRYING, HAVING HARD TIME

Go on! Cry babe cry! Let it out n dun keep it inside. Burst all of da burden dat u hold n set ur soul free. Ppl say, in order 2 cure, u’ll av to endure da pain. So dis is it! U must go through da pain b4 u can start everything new. Dun worry, I understand. I truly do! If I av extra penny, I’ll pay 4 ur solo vacation. U got 2 find ur own space n time 2 heal da broken heart! Da time is always urs son/sweetheart! But when u cum back, u will b a stronger, wiser n matured person wif a new spirit (n a new look too!)

7. CAN YOU BE HAPPY IN THE NEXT RELATIONSHIP?

Of course u can. I met ur mum after series of break-ups. And we found you. Although I cant b certain wat will happen next, but I’m sure dat I’ll b happy and strive 2 b happy. Wat ever happens my dear, I will still av n u will still av me. Nothing can change dat.

Frederick Keonig says, “we tend 2 forget happiness doesn’t come as a result of sumting we dun have, but rather of recognising n appreciating wat we do av.”

John Barrymore says, “happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn’t know u left open.”

Your dad says, “Haengbukyoo.” Which translated as Be Happy.

Your Father.

2224 – 21^st September 2010

PS. Writing this while listening to My Girl OST: Sa-rang-eun Him-deun-ga Bwa 사랑은 힘든가 봐

(your father was a Korean freak back then, and he is not ashamed to admit it!!!)

New Discovered Reso

2010-03-18T12:03:00.002Z

Zokhri Idris is learning on the power TO ACCEPT and TO LET GO things. In order to succeed, he will list down all the blessings God has bestowed upon him everyday before he goes to sleep. TO BE GRATEFUL FOR ANOTHER DAY OF LIVING is the outcome of this therapy X

THE PHILIPPINES, GOONG AND FREEDOM

2010-02-22T12:38:00.003Z

When my classmates and I were discussing on Freedom and economic growth (in Global Civil Society), I cudnt help but feeling amazed 2 our frens in da Philippines, dat they r happy 2 maintain basic living condition (without rapid development) as long as their freedom is not being touched. Meaning, its OK 4 em (my fren sed, she cud b bias since she’s living in Metro Manila) 2 lead a simple sustainably life without taking away their freedom. Previous Marcos’ and current Arroyo’s style of governing cud serve as examples, she justifies.

While dis discourse was a coincidence 2 my self-deliberation in post-Goong period, nevertheless, it gives me a moment 2 lay back n ponder bout freedom. Those who haven’t seen (n I encourage u 2 do dat) Goong is a Korean series, of a triangle relationship between a princess and 2 princes. Although its still a stereotype being a Korean drama – dat triangle relationship, parents interference, n da 1st hero will always get his luv (no matter how nasty he behaved @ 1st) must conventionally exist, da point I reflected da most from dis movie is F.R.E.E.D.O.M. Lee Goon, da Crown Prince was forced 2 marry a commoner Chae Gyung, after been rejected by his gf. Throughout their marriage (though it never consummated) luv starts 2 blossom between these 2 souls (a prince and once a commoner). However many things they cudnt do/cherish juz becuz they belonged 2 da Royal Family n subjected 2 da old-fashioned (kuno) Royal laws. Their freedom to live as a happy loving couple is restrained due 2 their position n situation.

I must say, although I dun belong 2 any Royals or rich families alike, I can feel how does it being living under da commands of da elders in da family. Living wif parents who are rigid n religiously conservatived, makes me no difference than Shin Goon and Chae Gyung. Da only difference spot exist between my reality n theirs (as far as da drama is concerned), they r bond by traditional royal laws upheld by the palace while I am imposed wif a strict Islamic observation and practices by my parents. They have no means 2 say, 2 object, 2 express wat they want, 2 live life according 2 self-determination, n so do I.

And dat makes us miserable, turning our lives into extreme despair and despondency.

N dis has turned me into a (pro) freedom fighter; taking every chance it has 2 make me being free n independence. Even as 2 being regarded as da ‘black sheep’ of da family 4 being persistently resisting me parents, I av no other options but 2 believe in my freedom. It is never in my intention (honestly) 2 go against me parents, wat more 2 make em upset n disappointed, but it seems I av no other means 2 believe in wat I want, 2 get wat I wished 4. After all, dis is 4 me n my life n I dun want it 2 b determined n fixed by someone else.

It is subjective 2 quantify da price of being free. Da rooms 2 make decisions, da avenues 2 stick wif it n 2 execute it r simply priceless n cant be valued materially. Call me a Western individualistic who abandons communitarian values, or a modern urbanised selfish lad, but dis is da only territory dat I av 4 a living. @ da age of 27, I want my life 2 b determined by my own will, my aims 2 b desired by my own dreams, without taking orders from da others. Dats y, I believe, God gives u (each and everyone of us) a mind 2 think, a heart 2 feel so dat u may stand wif ur own feet, n sail ur life independently.

But dis is not understood by my beloved parents.

As I’ve endlessly been trying 2 explain 2 em, my effort met nothing but series of failures. N I cudnt do dis anymore. I’ve reached 2 a point dat, diplomacy fails 2 work n dat my patience is never be considered, yet, my self-belief must b pursued wif a strong determination, otherwise I’ll be trapped in dis dilemma 4eva. Sorry mum, Sorry dad. If I dun do dis 4 myself, I’ll b in forever regretting, blaming u n me for not wanting a change. N I dun want 2 do dat. I dun want 2 regard u as bad parents 4 disapproving my choice in life, neither I dun want 2 feel sorry in da end, growing up in a conservative old-fashioned family in which I had no chance 2 stand on my own, moving into my direction. After considering n hardly reflecting, I think dis is da best 4 u n me, although I know u will no longer support me n stand by me.

Da choice I’ve made is not easy, neither leading me 2 an easy life. Without you being my backbone, I feel half of my life is perished. Hollow. Im fully aware dat, without ur blessings n support, God will turn away from me. But as long as my love 2 u will never dilute, I know He will not punish me severely. And its becoz I luv u, (n I dun want 2 blame u), Im taking dis path, so dat I can appreciate da life u av given 2 me 27 years ago.

I pray n I hope dat 1 day U’ll understand me – as ur son who always want 2 b free. I’ll pray dat U’ll feel da pain 4 living under ur rulings, da misery 4 following ur dreams. Above all, I want u 2 know, my luv 4 u will always remain, n as 4 dat reason, I am taking dis chance 2 pursue my dreams.

Im juz an ordinary human who wishes 2 lead an ordinary n free life. I av nothing more 2 ask 4, but giving me my life n my freedom. Those r mine, n never can b others. Hence Im merely taking wat is mine n protecting/defending it (@ wat price it costs me). Still I am ur loving son n 4ever be. But 2 luv me 4 da ‘niu’ me, 2 accept me 4 wat I am n wat I believe in, its entirely up 2 u. In da end, I thank u 4 giving birth 2 me (n dere’s nothing in dis world or even in my next life I cud give 2 substitute wat U’ve given me) but,

I JUST WANT 2 BE BORN FREE !!!

ZI

Valentines Retreat 2010

2010-02-14T11:19:00.002Z

When you love someone - you'll do anything
You'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain
You'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
When you love someone

You'll deny the truth - believe a lie
There'll be times that you'll believe you can really fly
But your lonely nights - have just begun
When you love someone

When you love someone - you'll feel it deep inside
and nothin else can ever change your mind
When you want someone - when you need someone
when you need someone...

When you love someone - you'll sacrifice
You'd give it everything you got and you won't think twice
You'd risk it all - no matter what may come
when you love someone
You'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
when you love someone

BACK TO BASICS

2010-02-12T10:04:00.004Z

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world – not even our troubles

Charlie Chaplin (1889 – 1977)

SITUATION IDENTIFICATION:

Without showing any signs or symtpons, my Dell Inspiron 6000 has been pronounced dead. Chotto, no its not dead, yet, as it can still be switched on. Da thing is, nothing will appear on da screen despite been switched on for hours. After consulting da medics, da problem rooted to a hardware malfunction, which preventing images 2 appear although da system is running. Stranded in a rural Urasa, where English is hardly conversed and da cost of repairing amounting to ¾ of buying a new lappie, I decided 2 juz wait till I get a new 1. Definitely, I’m not getting 1 in Japan because da language setting is only in Jap which I cud unders10 any.

THINGS 2 PONDER:

Strangely, I don’t feel sad or utter loss upon knowing dis. Although I’m pretty much feel handicapped due 2 dis inconveniences, but I persuaded myself not 2 b carried away. True, living without a lappie (in Japan which da broadband speed is super duper fast) is a hard thing 4 me. U can take away my money n food (not my cookies, please!!) but not my lappie. Thinking of 5 years of gud memories n acquaintance, I thought, dis cud b da time 4 it 2 terminate da service n companionship.

On a deep thought, nothing wud last everlastingly. When God decides its no longer b urs, u’ll loose it, no matter @ wat cost. I’ve been taking a gud care of my lappie, n as I sed, without any preliminary signs, da screen juz goes blank. Its all God’s Will n as a weak mortal, who am I 2 stop dis from happening.

Nevertheless, I take dis as a training ground 4 me – 2 train myself 2 perceive dat everything dat I av is lent 2 me 4 a period of time n when da time comes, He shalt take it back. From da small thing of losing a penny, a big thing of losing my lappie 2 da largest one of losing my life. No matter how much I crave n desire 4 it 2 stays, it will soon leave me, when He asks to.

Maybe, I’ve been losing a lot all these while, dat makes me stable when losing a mere 21st century celebrated-invented machine, a laptop. I’ve been losing many ppl I love da most, individuals I adore a lot, many chances I forfeited, lots and lotsa money due 2 my recklessness, n dreams dat failed 2 meet its reality. I’ve been 2 da worst despair, saddest moment, extremely disturbed situation and comes dis situation, its juz a lil tiny thing compared 2 wat I’ve gone through. @ times, I was helplessly kneeling on da ground questioning – wat else U wanna take from me? Aren’t these not enough 4 U and for me?

But when faith comes 2 surround me, belief finds 2 console me, I managed 2 wipe out da tears n carefully whisper 2 myself. Perhaps God has another plan that I seemed not to understand. Sometimes in life, U juz had 2 believe after been endlessly discovering, u juz need 2 av faith despite back-to-back down turns in life. Honestly, I dun know whether faith n belief will turn out gud in da end, but if dat is da only strength left I av 2 hold on, juz 2 proceed another second of living, I will still grab it. Even knowing da day will come when God will take me away from dis temporary living, I hope n I will try 2 b calm n b stable 4 it. Everything dat runs in me, da blood, cells, organs are from Him n only belonged 2 Him. I am juzz a trustee 2 take care of these n 2 live happily. So holding 2 da fact dat they aren’t mine (as I dun own em permanently) who am I to stop da owner from taking back wat is His, no matter how much I needed em. I know dis sounds silly but – if I ever can buy my life 2 b permanently mine, I’ll pay 4 it @ whatever cost.

But sadly, dis is not wat we entitled 2 decide.

Hence now, I’m living my life back 2 da basics. No more FB 24/7, no more K-Pop during breakfast in da morning n no more Korean dramas b4 I go 2 bed, till I get a niu lappie *sigh*. But, Kamonnnn Zokhri, da great Rome was built without a computer. So do da pyramid, Titanic, da locomotive train, first car on earth, etc..etc.. n laptop wont feed u from ur hunger (although it feeds me spiritually). FOOD does! I will still b able 2 live comfortably n happily without dis 14 inch tool. After all, our early forefathers have shapped da world civilisation without da help of dis technology. And u av nothing 2 lose compared those who r incapable, handicapped, poor n starving all around ya.

Shudnt u b thankful, 4 those many gifts dat are surrounding u?

Or even on d day when I’ll belonged 2 da unfortunate events above-stated, I will hold both of my hands tight n say…

God Has Another Plan That I Seemed Not To Understand.

P/S: For unknown reason(s), I dunno why suddenly hot liquids rushing down from me eyes, streaming through my cheeks n landed on da paper Im writing on.

Thank you…for teaching me dis lappie. You’ll be greatly missed!

In loving, exciting and happening memory of My Dell Inspiron 6000 (2005 - 2010)

Welcoming February, The Month of Love

2010-02-02T13:32:00.000Z

Feels Like It Was Only Yesterday

2010-01-23T14:21:00.003Z

I have to keep myself reminded (most of the time) dat we’re entering da first decade of the millennium, in which, carries out the meaning dat Im indeed aging. Its hard 2 conceive da fact dat, 4 every second passed, 4 every day ended; giving me an indication dat my age will no longer be the same. Certainly, I thank God for been sparing my life up 2 dis second Im breathing, for without His mercy for da next millisecond, I mite not b able 2 blink my eyes (even 4 juz once). But da irony is – neither my mind nor my body can truly accept dis phenomenon of aging.

Which makes me clueless and been wondering da reason(s).

I keep on mistakenly writing da date as 2009 and encountered numerous embarrassing moments wif dat accidental error (u know da Japs cud be very annoyingly articulated when it cums 2 dis tiny lil matters), not 2 mention wif my lecturer – DUSH-

But I guess, dat is juz normal 4 me. It’s hard 4 me 2 let go of things, wat more memories in life. Probably I am living my life to da fullest, in da sense dat every hour of living, I’ll do it wif no regret and high level of encouragement. No doubt, 2009 cud b regarded nearly 2 da “dark age history” of mine (as I’ve learned da meaning of betrayal and self-interest supremacy from da 1st hand experience – no kidding!) But then, I managed 2 convert those undesirable tragedies into sumting dear 2 me. And I guess I did it in many ways:

I quarreled wif Mum and Dad because I love em – cuz by not telling em wat I want, I’ll grow regretness in my heart which latter transformed into putting the blame on em.

I broke up wif my ex bcuz I dun want h_ _ 2 keep on lying 2 me n finding excuses not 2 commit 2 our relationship. I want h_ _ 2 be free. And so do I.

I left my gurlies n their world, not bcuz I hate em, but 4 em 2 pursue things without me as it will never b da same with some regarded me as an “Axis of Evil” 4 da mistake which I never intended 2 commit.

I took da decision 2 leave da country not because I despise Malaysia for giving me these series of melancholic events, but 4 me 2 discover da more of myself when Im alone in a foreign land.

ALL IN ALL, I did it on da belief dat it was da best 4 me.

Hence, I never feel far from those memories cuz I tried 2 think em in da +’ve way. Da thing dat I discovered (after few of self-experiment) when thinking positively, you will never b far from da memories, as they remained near 2 u. As if it was yesterday everything had happened. And as long as they remain alive and fresh in my mind, my life can be regarded stagnant n not rapidly aging. Dat’s y my brain is hard 2 register da fact dat Im now in 2010 cuz it feels like 2009 still!

“Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they’re here to stay. Suddenly, I’m not half to man I used to be, there’s a shadow hanging over me…”

-Beatles-

Nevertheless, I vow not 2 look back into da past n explore new strategies 2010 can offer 2 me. Obviously da lessons of my past are always sealed n tightly kept in da safest place of mine, but I will cringe no more 2 da past. N dat wat I mean by “POSITIONING” i.e. restructuring myself into the new time span 4 da next 365 days (wif God’s mercy, of course). Not really “REBRANDING”, cuz dere’s nothing surprisingly new I want 2 introduce, but merely few restructuring need to be carried out.

Da outcome? God knows wat. Perhaps, I’ll give a thot on it when dis year is coming 2 an end.

Gosh, now Im talking like a financial analyst. Must b because of forced self-indulgence into Cost-Benefit Analysis Course which drives me crazy for dis couple of weeks. Final assessment is next week, and Im already saturated wif Marshall Demand Curve, Pigounian Tax, Phillips Indifference Curve, Pareto Optimality … (hundred more to come)

God guides me through.

2010 for Hope, Wish and Love,

ZI

2010: A Letter to Me Familia

2010-01-10T13:41:00.001Z

My dearest brothers and sister,

It has been six days passed for the next chapter of our life. My apologies for not being able to wish you a very happy blessed New Year for 2010. Doesn’t matter even it is not an Islamic celebration nor important dates to you both, 2010 comes with many expectation and targets that we plan to achieve. For this very reason, I believe New Year is an important moment – giving oneself to reflect his/her achievement in the past 365 days and what s/he could do better in the next cycle. I had safely arrived in campus after a long winter trip and class had resumed today. The tiredness can still be felt, but I just don’t want to miss the chance of wishing you both a very happy new year.

Another year comes bringing another level of wisdom and maturity, supposedly. This is what a sane mind of homo sapien would think. However, this might not be the case for everybody. Maturity comes evolutionarily. You will never know neither realise the journey of the process what more people who surround you. By this I hope that you won’t expect me to be more matured than before but to allow me to learn life, to improve myself from mistakes. Indeed, mistakes are the best lessons in our life. I never hope to be more mature than anyone of you, just because I am the eldest, but I wish to be mature following the natural way it supposed to be. No matter how long it will take, it is the journey that matters. It is “aint about how fast I get there, aint about what’s waiting on the other side, It’s The Climb”. (Sang by Miley Cyrus but I like Joe McElderry’s version more. Im sure kakak knows this should she watches X Factor)

As my life experience taught me, we will never satisfy others with our way. Not even to persuade others to think, to act and to agree with our way. By that I call ‘Human Conflict.’ Its normal and complete natural as God makes us different from one and another in number of ways. These are the diversity of differences that God wants us to cherish and to enjoy. He doesn’t create these differences, for us to fight and quarrel, I believe. Rather, for us to respect each other’s decision for we want others to respect ours. Respect is what we lack in our family, and what we need in our relationship. Not merely respecting because of a status and position but for every decision and thinking we all have. We might find ourselves disagree with someone but remember, no matter how much we disgust on his/her thinking, we owe him/her a great respect for that decision. As the eldest in the family (although I never once, regard being the eldest to all of you), I respect any decision you have taken and will choose in your life. As long as you will be happy, I am more than satisfied and nothing to ask more. Even though in the end, it turns to be a wrong decision, but that’s how we learn life. Isn’t it a burden to ask the similar from you?

We might go in different paths in life, heading to different directions based on our personal targets. But that will never put us apart. Our love and remembrance will always be together no matter if we are far across the oceans and regions. We are in ourselves, but we know we will stand together if we need to. So go and achieve your dreams for 2010! Go to the furthest point in your life, for you live life only once. Go and grab the highest star in your skies, for u fail, you will still be higher from the rest. I have my dreams too and I will try to achieve it no matter hard, cause I know it is not the destination that really matter, but the journey of reaching to the point. I hope you will never blame me for the dreams I will pursue in life, because my life will be souless and lifeless without me setting the paths to my dreams. Again, you will not have to necessarily agree, but the least to respect my perspectives.

I wish you all the best in your studies, your love relationship and in anything that you do. I am never far from you. All you need to do is to write and I’ll take care of the rest. No matter how big the problems you encounter, my ears are all yours, if you need a listener. My advice or solutions would not be as great as Einstein’s E=mc2, but I will try my best to make you feel better. I will never be far!

Last but not least, remember life will never be easy for you and me. It has many hurdles and complications for us to go through. But, if life is in itself already complicated, why complicate it more? Make it easy, take it lightly as things in the end will fall in its place. Eventually.

Happy New Year 2010. May many happiness and prosperity return to all of you.

Love you, with all my heart and soul,

B- Zed

1727 – IUJ Library- Niigata – Japan

WRITE...Because Words Will Never Die!

2009-11-25T13:54:00.009Z

I’ve been thinking lately, if death is coming to invite me, wat wud I left 2 da ones existing still? Leaving properties behind seems normal, but @ current, I dun think my savings worth to be distributed. I’ve given nothing 2 mankind dat makes me worth 2 b remembered. I mite av touched few lifes wif da fact of my existence, my aspiration and my living experience. My Kalsom family always thot dat I’m a gud orator, hence I shud b a motivator in life inspiring ppl. While I’m thinking dat cud b true, I am n will try my utmost effort 2 aspire ppl 2 b happy, not 2 be afraid of downturns, and never be victimised by situation so on and so forth. But wat will happen, da day I’ve been called to meet Almighty Lord, leaving dis despair world 2 da existing souls dat have been surrounded me? Will I still be able 2 help em, although in da case of my non-existence? Will death stops me from making dis world a better place?

I think NO!

Death will not limit me from helping ppl around. I will still b able 2 touch da living hearts although I no longer breathe. I still can change da world, without me being da actor who orchestrate da metamorphosis of peace and tranquility. I will keep on writing and composing cuz my words will never die wif me. They will stay alive, aspiring many lives, although I no longer being around. Knowing dis, I’ve eliminated da fear of living many beautiful ppl behind, when da time eventually arrives.

I want my burial n memorial 2 b aspired. Dat ppl will not cry 4 my final departure, but b more encouraged 2 live life. So dat they b thankful dat God has given em another day 2 stay immortal in dis transitionary journey. I need em 2 keep da spirit burning – 2 make da world a better place 2 stay. My struggle, my fight have been terminated (without my utter willingness of course) but it will not b da end 4 da ones remaining.

Let my death be a commemorative turning point 4 mankind n civilisation – 2 appreciate each other n living 2gether in peace. I mite not witness zero violence, zero hunger, starvation, poverty, war etc when my eyes can clearly see. But wif a lil thing I’ve left, I mite see da change, centuries after my death, in heaven, wif da others smiling n appreciating da change. I dun want my death 2 b teared, rather I want it 2 b a moment ppl will smile wif hope, determination n strong will-power 2 proceed my dreams. Our dreams.

Hence, I wont stop writing n composing. Regardless, whether it attracts many readers or not, I will keep on expressing my mind n heart. It mite not be useful now, totally crap and irrelevant, but when I no longer b wif you, u can always come 2 Asignofthecreator and I’m glad dat it cud reminds u of me. Thus, I will never b far, u can always hear me when u need 2. I am juz near by ur side, although distance have torn us apart 2 da very farthest point I cud ever b. U’ll never b lonely, cuz my words will keep u alive. U’ll never be feeling down, cuz my whisper will cheer u up. U’ll never get enuff or hate dis life becuz my life has ended but u still had a long way 2 go.

Dats y I write without rules. I express without borders. I want, as best dat I can, 2 picture myself clear, so dat I wont be forgotten. I will tell every lil story dat has happened in my life so dat Zokhri Idris will be remembered when he’s gone. A picture, a story of a true Zokhri Idris – his ups & downs, his experience of success, downturns, every lil smile n tears, every single feeling n thinking he encounters (no matter how strange n weird cud it b 2 some)

Although I av nothing 2 leave for – no legacy, no wealthy empire, not even a reputation 2 pass onto my descendants, but I want my great2 grandchildren 2 know me. A simple ordinary guy, who has a big passion in life will never be enuff wif God’s blessings. Although, I mite not b da best motivator ever existed on earth while I was living, who knows, God wills, I mite b able 2 touch many hearts n life when I’m gone. I will die, permanently vanished from dis world, but my thoughts will never die wif me. My words will stay alive, inspiring many hearts, shining many souls and making da world a better place 2 live on.

A Shakespeare I am not, far even from the creator of E=MC2, I am juz a small tiny lil human, but my heart is big enuff 2 shake da world. It mite not b recognized by Nobel Prize, Oscar Awards or anything alike, but I will b more than sufficient if dis will touch one’s life, few, many or possibly all. My success is not valued from recognition da world offers, but by da existence of many living souls who will make their life thousands worthwhile. Life offers no regret 2 every1. No matter how bad U’ve screwed up, how many times U’ve slipped, fallen n defeated, u can always get up, set your mark and race – da things dat u can never do when u were put in rest, 4 eternity.

I pledge 2 write till da last breath of holding da pen. I will find da will 2 express my life chapters till da end of its page. I may probably cant walk, muted, paralysed, lying down helplessly in da future, but I will search da means 2 speak my mind, 2 reveal my feelings cuz I know, my words are da only most priceless treasure I can leave 2 all of u.

I won’t write my name on the sand, fearing the waves will sweep it away

I won’t write my name on the clouds, worrying the storm might erase it away

But I will write straight to your heart, where it will stay

Forever and Ever…

If God takes me away, to Him I pray, your life will never be gray,

ZI

Life is already complicated: WHY MAKE IT MORE?

2009-11-20T13:16:00.001Z

Mode: PMS 8^th Scale…Haha

I’ll try to compose a short n precise dis time – str8 hitting da point. No need 2 discuss da cause(s) of da entry, but still I’m lil bit bothered by sum individuals who hard 2 let go of their feelings after few rejections. I wonder, why ppl cant juz move on n live on, after knowing their love isn’t returned 2 their favour. Izzit (really) hard 2 let go sum1 dat u luv, knowing s/he doesn’t feel da same towards u?

Hypothetical: Say, SW knows dat her gurl GMN is eyeing and liking on HTK, n dat has happened since da very beginning, why cant SW juz try 2 accept dis n move on?

Why one still keep on resisting da fact n pressuring oneself 2 win sum1’s heart, while u already know u cudnt b da man? By doing so, aren’t ya juz trying 2 complicate things, by standing in between da two loving souls (in which I believe is already complicated in its nature)? I know deep down, u r hurting, but why wud u choose 2 hurt urself more (longer and harder), even da current is simply unendurable?

OK2. Dun get me wrong ere. Im not siding anyone in dis case. Im neutral. Juz like Switzerland. (^_^) All I intend is 2 minimise da pain n maximise pleasure in life, which we know aint be long n 4ever. I know n fully aware, dat @ times, 1^st luv is truly unforgettable n we shudnt easily surrender 2 love. We shud give our utmost best 2 attain it n strive wif all we can. But not when da possibility is extremely low n insignificant. When u know dat u r no longer in sum1’s eyes, n ur presence is merely a mutual company, u shud stop, wif all due respect 2 ur feelings and emotions, investing ur efforts n hope 2 dat ‘sumone.’ Basic rule says – “It takes 2 to tango.” EXACTLY. U cant dance 2gether if ur dance partner doesn’t follow ur rhythm. Wat even is s/he refuse 2 follow. U simply cant force him/her 2 move, wat more 2 force urself 2 move further.

Simply unfair … and 2 certain extent, cruel.

So close ur eyes, inhale, chin-up n exhale everything – release da feelings n da person from ur mind. Dere’s always sumbody out dere who is patiently waiting 4 ur luv. Like my previous English teacher used 2 say, ‘dere’s always sumbody 4 everybody.’ Period.

N I believe in dat. N I made it through too. To sum, I was merely trapped in dis love triangle thingy. I nearly {emphasis added} fall 4 sum1 whom happened 2 b my best fren’s lover. No need 2 tell how it happened (but check out in da previous entries) but suffice 2 say I manage 2 settle myself quite peacefully from da s***. I knew my limit n didn’t push it over. I eventually came 2 my senses, n without da help of any1, I backed off from da whole triangle, n found my way back to enjoy life. N I proud dat I did dat. (probably after many trainings and experience) lol.

Its juz 1 thing dat I still cudnt figure out – why is my best fren (or he claimed 2 b ex-best fren now) abhors me 2 da max, as if I’ve committed an unforgivable sin. I mean, wat av I done? It was juz a crush, for crying out loud. It wasn’t dat I’ve cheated on him or sumting worse. N I know dis wud b a useless self-defence, but hey, no one can stop me from liking sum1 n vice versa. Dats wat ur heart truly feels n da heart juz cudnt lie. But wat matters is – how r u managing da conflict of interest n move forward!!! N truth b told, I’ve managed it once n 4 all. ALL ALONE BY MYSELF. N u thot dat I’m da most devilish person ever existed on earth? Sumhow, I pity u 4 having dis in ur mind.

So I guess dats it. Da moral of da story dat I gathered – u r not guilty 4 hearting sum1 dat, in a way attracts u 2 do so. But dat sum1 also cudnt b held guilty for rejecting u in da end. Dere is possibly no force 2 like/dislike human as dis is a matter of da heart conviction. Whatever da heart says, it goes. But we shudnt ignore da existence n functions of mind, which God bestowed it 4 us human 2 rationalise stuffs n put things into da correct perspectives (as best as it can)

Conclusion: Life/Love itself is a complication. But why bother 2 make it more complicated. Isn’t simplicity is da best recipe for a gud quality of life? Come on, many disasters ever produced by mankind, are caused by da complications dat men opted 2 react?

Aren’t we had enuff of these?

Smile, laugh and cheer cuz you wont be forever live,

Don't Leave Me O Beauty

2009-11-16T12:12:00.003Z

I wish for a longer night

To see the moon shining out bright

Sparkling stars everywhere on my sight

To breeze the mountain-air, refreshing

Running through the lungs, purifying

On top of the balcony, I stand

In the middle of the freezing cold

Alone, mesmerising the skies

Up far, so beautiful, I admire what you are

I feel wide-ness, spacious and borderless

After going a day which is cruel and limited

And now, seeing a melancholic night I am

With no other worries, free from conflicting concerns

I wish for a longer night

So that my problems seem to be far away

Carrying forced obligations along the trail

Leaving my soul empty and lonely

By adoring you and the stars

Loneliness is bliss

A gift … to the heart to swift

Along with the breezy winds, underneath the dark universe

I feel ease, I can breath

I feel serendipity enrapturing, sadness eliminating

I could see the beauty

Strangely, hard to describe, easily to be felt

Because beauty is to be sensed, not to be told

I wish the night could be longer

To count the stars as there is no tomorrow

To feel the calm as there is nothing to worry

To enjoy loneliness as there could not be betrayal

To stay underneath the borderless screen, exhausting from running

Chasing every second in life

I just want to be here, just here I stand

Every minute now and then

When there is no pain, suffering and separation

I don’t want to face tomorrow

An uncertain life which full of cruelty and misery

Which the hearts opts nothing but for dishonesty

Which the minds choose no other than hypocrisy

Please, I beg Thy, stop the time

Take everything that is mine

Leave my soul; leave my heart, my mind to cherish the night

I wish the night to be longer

But the stars are fading away

The moon is turning grey

They both shalt perish

Fearing the sun rising out east

Leaving me aimlessly

Ignoring me helplessly

Crying, suffering and suffocating

In the world of misery

Without goodbyes and farewell

I can see you are avoiding me.

0236

November 16^th 2009

SD-1 Balcony, IUJ

Between Arrogance and Innocence

2009-11-10T12:38:00.004Z

Mode: Without words (the vid is enclosed in da previous entry)

Many of me mates been asking, wats so special bout being addicted to Korean Dramas? Wat cud b da spell dat has made my evenings turn into sleepless nites n most of my days spent listening 2 their musics? It cudnt b bcuz of d actors/actress looks cuz dere r many more gud looking movie stars, especially from da West. And more obvious, wat’s so extravagant bout da country dat made me being very tight on my budget, juz 2 save 4 my Korean trip next year?

Wat a hefty list of questions... which only lead 2 a simple n single answer.

It’s becuz of my emotional attachments 2 da movies dat have made me fallen helplessly into da country n its ppl. N dat emotional attachment has taught me many things; concerning love (sahrang), friendship (u-chong) and relationship (kwang-ge). If I wud write every single thing dat I encountered from my endless indulgence, it cud b ages (n boring too). So lemme juz pick one of d things dat I’ve discovered between one being arrogant and innocent.

Point of Reference: You’re Beautiful starring Jang Geun Suk and Park Shin Hye

I used 2 believe dat love finds equality in both partners. A charming, loving, n gud looking guy wud end up wif a beautiful, caring n mesmerising gurl. They probably fallen, under da notion of “love @ first sight.” It is so powerful dat able 2 catch da victims of love, without any means of escape. Hence, although with differences like life status n background, they still b in love n b prepared 2 face any changes come wat may. Dis is wat we learnt in World’s love epic Romeo and Juliet, 1001 nights, Cinderella, Snow White up to da recent ‘Titanic’ in 1998. In da end, despite the everyone-know ending “they lived happily ever after”, we develop a thinking – they juz perfectly match 2 b 2gether. He’s handsome n she’s pretty n dats it. Period.

But “You’re Beautiful” demonstrates a different angle on how both can b falling in love. They began with tough relationship, not as da classics have shown. Being the nation’s top vocalist, (I’m not sure whether dis is da case in reality), Hwang Taek Yung is known for his heartless, arrogant and boastful personality. Although later I’ve discovered why he cud turn out like dat, but enw, his snobbish-ness made me think whatever-laa. On the other hand, Go Mi Nam, a transforming nun into being an artist, is adored for her straight-minded, sincere, and most important, her innocence. Come on, she’s so naive and straightforward type of gurl and they met in a performing band named A.N.JELL and dats how everything started.

Many scenes are portraying dat one’s high-esteemed of arrogance cud b mellowed down by da virtues of another being innocent. Because GMN is so sincere and naïve, many of her actions have resulted HTK 2 think back n deeper after been harsh 2 her. He’s been taken back, giving him a moment 2 more understand her personality n gradually believe dat he shudnt b so mean 2 her anymore. His heart is won by a gurl who is not-so-pretty but because of her pure intentions, she manages 2 trip a guy 4 a second 2 think – how extraordinary da gurl cud meant to him.

GMN on da other hand, though had no experience falling in luv (as in da movie), was struck eventually when knowing, despite of da bad treatment given by HTY, da guy still care 4 her. Although, up 2 dis episode, without words, she feels love is coming n senses da feeling spreading through her heart. N becuz of her innocence, da blossoming aura dat snaps her heart is a true feeling, a pure luv dat began 2 set its paths. I guess no matter how strange da personality of a person is, a human can never be naïve when it comes 2 luv. It’s a basic thing dat connects a homosapien 2 another species of its own.

Thus, da overall falling 4 each other process wasn’t happened so classically romantic but full of fun, real and normal. Dat makes da drama stands higher among others, cuz through yelling, screaming and harsh treatments by HTY, luv is flying in da air. Da director has successfully, I think, make da scene more sweet n romantic as it is real, common n not too fantasise like other movies do. An arrogant man’s heart is touched by an innocent naïve gurl, likewise, a straightforward gurl is falling in luv wif a guy who always being rude n disrespectful.

Hence, da formula I’ve gathered: ARROGANCE + IGNORANCE = PERFECT MATCH *wink*

Seems illogical @ 1^st, but very remarkably sweet if u can think of it (as shown in da drama)

I also admire Shin Woo. Although how much he hearts GMN, he decided not 2 let it bursts, fearing of worsening da situation. And I pity him, 4 loosing so many opportunities 2 express his luv, bcuz of his respectful opinion 2 HTK and GMN. I cud feel how tormenting he is, suffering from sealing everything (his feelings, his tears and sadness) tightly 2 himself. Juz 4 his own endurance!!! I know da most painful da heart cud suffer is, 4 not revealing 2 sum1 how much u care/luv him/her n how much important s/he is 2 u. Worst, when u sat beside da person, knowing dat s/he is leaving u n never cud b urs. Arghhhh… how pitiful n I hate dis kinds of situations. Nevertheless, SW has all of my admiration, for his long suffocation n high patience since he cud never b da one 4 GMN.

Isn’t it love is not 2 possess but 2 let sumone dat u luv lives happily (even though not being wif u?)

I’ve learnt dat, all I need 2 do is pursuing life juz in da way I am. No need 2 b sum1 which isn’t u, although u mite think ppl mite dislike ur appearance n personality juz being urself. If u changed, dat person mite not fall 4 u truly, but for another person u r trying 2 b. In da end, it is not u dat s/he loves, but da character dat u imitate falsely. And even s/he doesn’t like u (worst case scenario), 4 being who u r, u juz av 2 accept it n move on. Dere is still sum1 out dere who is endlessly waiting 4 ur luv, n adore u 4 being who u r simply. N dat person will stay by ur side everlastingly bcuz by juz being u, his/her life is so meaningful and perfect. Most important, u will not deceive him/her, wat more 2 urself. As GMN is facing through, da luv will still find her although how not-appealing she is in da eyes of an ordinary man. Love Will Show You Everything (^_^)

Occay then, I better pen-off n limit my praise 2 dis film. It’s still @ preliminary screening, thus, I cudnt make my generalisation 2 its entirety. Dere cud b series of unfortunate turn ups dat made my heart crashes (especially with da existence of the 3Bs in the drama) as other Korean films do. But so far, I think, it has been doing fine n I’m helplessly surrendering my devotion 2 dis drama. It’s a pain 2 wait 4 next episode b screened since its currently showing in Korea twice a week. Penantian Itu Satu Penyiksaan, rite? But if its 4 a gud cause n ending, such suffering is worth 2 b felt.

To those who wish 2 join me in my new addiction, u r always welcome. Dis is da best rendition I can find in da internet 2 closely follow da movie - http://www.youtube.com/user/Pyrite5ive

Credit to Pyrite5ive 4 his/her hard time in subbing da movie, 4 others 2 better view. For all ur effort and hardwork, I truly thank you. Komawa samida.

So in da end,

POLL: Do you think I can be a gud movie reviewer in d future? I mite seriously consider if da outcome seems 2 b +’ve. (^_^)

Sahrang, U-Chong and Kwang-Ge,

Updates and Poll

2009-11-05T05:42:00.002Z

Mode: PMS

“Boys Before Flowers” and “You’re Beautiful” strike at their most. Deeply sad and very much disturbed now =(

Quoting Chuck Palahnuik (credit to Tash):

“The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever be the same.”

Do you agree?

Without A Word

2009-11-02T02:28:00.003Z

I shouldn’t have done that

I should have just ignored it

Like something I couldn’t see

Like something I can’t see

I shouldn’t have looked at you at all

I should have run away

U should have acted like I didn’t hear it

Like something I couldn’t hear

Like something I can’t hear

I shouldn’t have listened to love at all

Without a world you let me know love

Without a word you gave me love

You made me even hold of your breath but

You ran away like this

Without a word love leaves me

Without a word love tosses me away

What should I say next?

My closed lips were surprised on their own

Coming without any words

Why does it so much?

Why does it hurt continuously?

Except for the fact that I can’t see you anymore

And that you are not here anymore

Otherwise it is the same as before

Without a word tears fall

Without a word my heart breaks down

Without a world I wait for love

Without a word I hurt because of love

I zone out, I became a fool because I cry looking at the sky

Without a word farewell finds me

Without a word the end comes to me

I think my heart was surprised to send you away without any preparation

It came without a word

Without a word it comes and leaves

Like the fever before, maybe all I need to do is hurt for a while

Because in the end, only scars are left

Happiness and I.

2009-10-29T11:21:00.002Z

Sometimes, (or most of da time), I’ve been wondering, y am I not being happy. Despite everything we’ve put efforts in, happiness seems 2 b far away. As a middle class average person, I av everything dat it takes 2 live well on earth. I’ve a family (although we only quarrel most of da time), qualification (although studying has its ups n downs), used 2 av a decent job (although I contest a lot wif my superior (^_^), circles of friends (whom less I can put my trust on), a bit of money (not many but suffice 2 live on without parents’ assistance) and many more. I am a perfect creation of The Almighty which enables me to function effectively as a human. But still I’m not happy. Why o why?

Truth be told, my solo trip 2 Nagaoka has changed my dimension of one being happy. 2 cut it short, couple of days ago, I, out of da blue, ran off 2 a city situated up-north of Urasa. Since I’ve got all commitments accomplished n having no appointments, Nagaoka suddenly trips my mind. Y not I juz run away from dis boring campus life 4 a day? A day of escapade wudn’t do any harm although many of me frens reluctantly 2 join in, since its in da middle of da week. @ 1^st, I was divided whether2 go or not 2 go. I dun understand Japanese (my fault 4 not learning hard) and if I get lost, I wud juz allow trouble 2 crash me. But my heart says, juz do it! U’ll never know wat will turn out, but da journey cud b a worthwhile experience. Besides, isn’t Lord is da best Caretaker n Protector of all?

MJ’s “Beat It” mode suddenly activated.

N 2 my expectation, it went well. I had a nice get-a-way, meeting wonderful ppl, sightseeing in da beautiful Japanese weather, leisuring in shopping malls n bookstore (did sum shopping too), n having a delicious Udon 4 lunch. N I did it alone. JUST.BY.MYSELF. I went wif a doubtful expression n came back (sound n well) wif satisfactory smile.

So wat dis has taught me?

First, of course I thank God. Because of His supervision n protection, I was free from any trouble n travelling complication. I feel, s long s I’m living under His created sun, walking on His Land, breathing His air, all of His Blessings will b wif me. I shud b rest assured dat He will b watching on me n comes wat may, His Will will prevent any dangers n harm 2 all of His loving mankind. I put my trust on Him n having dat in my mind, I feel sufficient.

Second, I dun need ppl around 2 b happy. I alone can b happy n make myself happy. @ 1^st, I was afraid if I cudnt enjoy my trip, having no companions 2 go with all alone in da city where communication cud b n issue. But da outcome has turned out upside down. I finally av a time 4 myself. A moment 2 treat myself sumting fancy after going through a hard week. Above all, wat I did simply means, I myself is responsible 4 my own happiness. Doesn’t matter if ppl aren’t around. They r juz da additional flavours 2 make my life more colourful n spicier. But by simply having me alone, I still cud lead my life perfectly. From now on, I will never put da accountability of others 2 make me happy. Having myself will do.

Third, loneliness is a form of beauty. By 1 being lonely, it frees him 4 any kinds of evils committed by mankind. Have u ever climbed 2 da roof-top, in da middle of da nite, lying down n witness da sparkling stars? Or da moment u wake up, wif a hot choc on ur palm, u enjoy da sunlight rising between da mountains, hearing da birds chirping melodiously? Lastly, av u ever walked down by da sea side, cherishing da redish skies upon sunsets? And all of these, I’ve done em alone. JUZ.BY.MESELF. U’ll feel da world has left behind u n da only thing dat u know, u r @ da top of everything - feeling zero worries n free. Da unification of one’s soul wif da Mother Nature is simply indescribable. A complete bliss.

Many of u already b told, dat life in IUJ offers a different perspective than wat I encountered. I am (still) in da middle of transformation n adjustment from enjoying an elite life of an urban city into a rural life dat has nothing, apart from da superb internet connection. Dun mention clubbing, cuz even da nearest cinema will take me 40 mins by train. I miss dat life (truly, madly n deeply I do). I’ve been raised up in an urban metro, studying in big cities n suddenly wind brings me 2 a valley surrounded by paddy fields n mountains. Wat on earth, da irony cud b? Still, I believe I can b happy ere. I can devote everything 2 myself ere. I begin 2 enjoy my life ere n start 2 miss dis place when I’m gone next year. Dis place, dis lifestyle, its memories will terribly be missed. I.JUZ.KNOW.

Once I’ve been whining on my lifeless imprisonment ere. Stuck in a 4 x 3 meter room, in da cold of da nite makes me dead or else a living zombie. N now I’m saying - I was in dat state b4 but no longer now n in da next few months, becuz I av found my life ere. Juz being in dis small 4 x 3 meter confinement. Wif da long hours @ nite, wif a hot chocolate n some cookies (and Haagen Daaz of course) under da duvet, I am flying 2 Korea by watching those series marathon-ly till early morning. I’ve been wishing 2 do dat since I was last addicted in 2006 graduation. And for 3 years, my commitments have deprived me from indulging back into it. But now, God gives it back 2 me. Heaven bliss. Those who aren’t Korean obsessions will completely be laughing how silly dis cud b. But try 2 watch 1, n u’ll know wat I say n feel. A recent released “You’re beautiful” starring Jang Geun Suk and Park Shin Hye wud b gud 2 start wif.

Sumtimes, I wish I cud b imprisoned (in real prison, I mean) (^_^) provided dat, they give me a lappie wif excellent connection, papers and pens. Those r juz da things dat I utterly needed in my life now. Those will keep my life moving n fulfilling.

So now, dere’s nothing else I want 2 do ere but 2 enjoy His blessings granted me 2 b ere. I know dis wont last long. @ a point, I will av 2 bid farewell, n off 2 da reality in which I belonged to. As much as I wanted 2 stay ere, those seem 2 b dreams n beautiful wishes. Hence from today on, I will wake up, telling meself dere’s a lot of things 2 do, many stuffs 2 c, wif lil time 2 have. And da clock is ticking second by second, reminding me how closed I am 2 my reality. Dis life ere, (in IUJ) certainly isn’t a fantasy, but far better than da reality I’m going through back home.

In da end, I realised happiness can b found everywhere. It exists in you. Embedded in ur soul, in ur mind. No matter where fate has brought u, dere’s always a room 2 b happy. N da room is spacious n borderless cuz da heart will never has its confinement. Happiness isn’t sumting 2 b sought, neither 2 b searched. It is to be felt n 2 b cherished wif. All u need 2 do is juz 2 close ur eyes n open up ur heart. It will find u. Eventually…

Because of dis, u dun need others 2 b happy. Simply having u is sufficient. Ppl cant give u happiness. They cud only b da reason(s). But above all, it is you who can make ur life happy. We r responsible 4 our own happiness n not 2 shoulder it on others. Shud u sail on a severe downturn in life, ask urself – “wat can I do 2 make me happy again?” In da end, da stormy weathers will pass, n after heavy rains, da sun will shine so brightly. Why bother 2 mourn all along in da rain, but not preparing 2 celebrate da coming sun, after da rain?

I always say 2 my frens “Be Happy. Life is Short.” And da truth is, my life in IUJ is even shorter than everything. I av bouquets of happiness, tranquility and bliss 2 explore but only 4 a short period of time. Its either I enjoy it now or it will b gone 4ever.

LIFE IS KICKING NOW, ZOKHRI. IT’S EITHER NOW OR NEVER.

P/S: Next mission, conquering Tokyo 6 – 8 October 2009.

Live well, be happy,